Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Being in the middle of a midlife crisis can seem pretty hopeless – whether you’re the person having one or their partner. So, it’s understandable (and normal) to wonder if your marriage can survive a midlife crisis.
Regardless of who’s asking, “Can a marriage survive a midlife crisis?”, it’s almost always the partner of the person in midlife crisis doing the research to find the answer. The person in the middle of the crisis isn’t usually seeking answers about what’s going on with them, because they’re too focused on trying to find ways to change how they feel.
Linda, Amber, and Therese are all examples of partners searching for answers. They each want to know if their marriages can survive their husband’s midlife crises, while their husbands are behaving erratically and selfishly.
For instance,
Do these marriages seem hopeless?
They’re not.
All three are in counseling with me.
Sean actually comes to counseling together with Linda. Peter still comes by the house a couple of times a week to see their college-aged kids, and Vincent told Therese a couple of days ago he wants to pause the divorce proceedings.
Which of these marriages will survive their midlife crisis is still unknown. But there are reasons for hope in each one.
I am not aware of any research that provides specific statistics that answer the question as to what percentage of marriages survive a midlife crisis. And if there is anyone citing a number, I’d be a bit skeptical about the accuracy of it.
I treat midlife crises every day (and have for over 20 years) and I don’t even know the percentage that survive.
I personally know many marriages that have survived, but I also know many that haven’t. In fact, for many of the couples I counsel who are dealing with midlife crisis I don’t know the ultimate outcome of the marriage.
I am a husband trying to survive my wife’s midlife crisis. I feel I’ve tried everything but she’s completely lost connection with me. I’m at a loss of what I can do to save our marriage and give her the right support, which is hard when she’s got the mindset she wants nothing to do with me, but still shows little signs that she does.” -Eric
Here are some factors that complicate the ability to answer the question about whether marriages can survive a midlife crisis.
Unlike a disease such as cancer, where tests can be done to determine if the cancer cells are still present, there isn’t such a way to measure the existence or absence of MLC.
Now this doesn’t mean it’s in a crisis stage for that long (although it can), but the underlying happiness that drives it can stay around for an extended period.
Cheating, depression, addiction, and other mental health issues all often accompany a midlife crisis and create additional complexities.
While an affair can end, or extreme alcohol consumption may lessen, that doesn’t mean the cause of the midlife crisis has been resolved. Only that the outward symptoms are gone (or most of them anyway).
Many people are cancer survivors. However, it’s not uncommon for cancer to return again. And the same can be said of midlife crisis.
Unlike cancer where people can be tested and found cancer free, a person whose gone through a midlife crisis may seem to have recovered, but that doesn’t mean the factors that caused the MLC are gone.
It’s extremely common in a midlife crisis for the underlying causes to go untreated.
This means that surviving a midlife crisis can just be making it through still married, while none of the issues that caused it have been fixed.
For example,
Sean and Linda are still living together. In fact, they’ve been together since high school. They come to counseling together too.
His midlife crisis began 20 months ago – or at least that’s when the outward obvious signs began when he cheated. They started therapy 2 months ago (only after 18 months of craziness).
We’re making progress, but again he’s still communicating with the other woman and is stuck on what he wants to do with both his marriage and the affair.
This week in counseling he said that when he gets off work,
I want to keep on driving... Going home stresses me out... I feel overwhelmed when I walk through the door... I often think about leaving and being on my own... I just want everything to be over with.”
Unfortunately, most partners think like Linda and believe surviving a midlife crisis is just getting their partner to stay and forget about the other woman. But even if that happens, how will she know Sean’s inner thoughts and feelings, like the ones above, are gone?
Here’s another example:
My husband is in the midst of his disruptive midlife crisis and left us his family a month ago. I love him very much and I’m not giving up on him. We've been married for 20 years and our marriage was great until he started his Midlife Crisis 2 years ago. Our marriage has been a roller coaster ride since then, especially when it really blew up a year and a half ago when I found out that he’s cheating on me. I need help and advice on how to save him and bring him back home.” -Kathleen
Determining if a marriage has survived a midlife crisis is too often based on still being together and the absence of outward symptoms. This is a BIG mistake.
The desired outcome of a midlife crisis should be more than surviving.
Not only is that too low an expectation in my opinion, but it doesn’t address the most important issue of all – fixing the causes.
Here’s an example of what surviving a midlife crisis can look like:
We have been married for 50 years. 5 years ago survived my husband’s midlife crisis and 5 year affair. Refuses to reach a compromise when I ask for any intimacy. Does love me, few kisses, hugs, friendly, but treats me like a sister - ?? Too old to leave, still love him, but dealing with anger and anxiety, and depression, especially at night in same bed. Hurts too bad to be next to him, so I go to another bedroom, this seems to help me go to sleep. How can I live being content in this situation??” -Sandra
Does this marriage look better, worse, or the same?
It’s not possible for us to know with such minimal information and background, but it doesn’t look better. I’d say that his midlife crisis may not even be over because there are signs of some of the original factors still being present.
Sandra’s marriage is an example of what a marriage can look like after “surviving” a midlife crisis. There are scars, often open wounds are still present, and even signs that the illness is still there just below the surface.
In order to thrive, not just survive, the ending of a midlife crisis has to be about more than returning to what used to be considered ‘normal.’ This means identifying the causes, understanding why the response to them brought about such extreme choices and behavior, and demonstrable work and evidence that changes have been made to resolve those causes.
This process takes time, effort, and usually professional counseling to do properly and effectively, but it is doable. I’ve seen many relationships thrive afterwards – becoming better, stronger, and more satisfying for both partners.
If you’re asking, “Can a marriage survive a midlife crisis?”, the answer is, yes. But surviving isn’t the same as thriving, so be sure to,
Remember, both partners have a choice. You should each ask yourself what you want your lives to look like afterward.
Your marriage surviving a midlife crisis is one choice, not surviving is another. The third option is surviving and thriving too. Which one will you choose?
Is your marriage struggling to survive a midlife crisis? You’re not alone. Thousands of people visit this website every day many in the same situation. Please consider leaving a comment so others can hear your story, and you’ll most likely get some feedback and support.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 09, 2021, and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Been married 13 years been together 23 years Pandemic hit my husnands business went down the toilet He doesn’t want to try to save our marriage wants to move out. He says he hates coming home and it gives him anxiety. He has substance abuse problems now He wants nothing to do with me at all. He says he needs to make a change to feel better. Would love advice on what i can do to make things better.
Erica, He sounds lost and stuck, and likely doesn't have any idea how to change his circumstances or how he feels. He really needs to get the assistance of a professional counselor for guidance. Unfortunately, you can't fix this for him, but you can influence him. You need guidance too on how to do this, so tell him you want to go to counseling together, and if he refuses go without him. You should find someone experienced with MLC and depression in men. -Dr. Kurt
We tried councling but she kept saying he needed to get better before we could try as a couple. Eventually he wouldn’t see her anymore pulled away from me completely and now moved out. He comes to see the kids and we have nothing to do with each other except talking about kids schedules etc. He’s not the same person he’s wierd and not happy I guess this is better then him ignoring my kids all together like he did at beggining of this I just wish he would try with me again. But he said he has no feelings at all. He has been through 3 therpists now i swear they make it worse I’m pretty sure they suggested he needs tht change to feel better meanwhile he has 4 children he left me here with to raise alone. He pops in when convenient for him.
Im nearly 2 years on from BD,and a rollercoaster,after a mere 2months into a huge move to spain for my wife’s health,couldn’t believe she would want out and have an affair after such a huge commitment.
I gained knowledge about MLC,but realised Our different love languages,and Gottman’s four Horsemen coming into play,caused a lot of our long history of dissonance in our marriage,i have educated myself on so much,but she is uninterested in looking at it and trying to repair our marriage
My husband and I have been together 24 years. He is 55 years old. He left on April 4 2022, a week after his father's funeral and on the one year anniversary of his Mother's death. he walked away from a very good job. He moved out of state and into the home of an old girlfreind who came to the funeral and who also claims to have been "counseling" him for some time. I haven't heard from him in 4 months. He was diagnosed as clinically depressed in 2017 and has not been on medication for quite some time. I have no way to contact him. It's as if he has disappeared from the planet. I would very much like to save our marriage. This has been especially hard on our grandkids. I have read he is known as a "vanisher" in a midlife crisis and they very rarelt return home. This breaks my heart. I may never see him again.
I think I'm going g through a midlife crisis. I love my wife dearly, but last year we moved from NY to Delaware, and my whole outlook 9n life and my marriage drastically changed. I got depressed and anxious and questioned every aspect of our marriage. I have a extreme problem with change, and in my mind everything was scary because of the move. I now find myself not wanting get close to her anymore, and feeling trapped. I feel like I just want to run away. Is this a midlife crisis?
Bill, It could be. The connection to a significant change (moving) is one sign. However, you describe some elements that could indicate it's more than that. Midlife Crisis can go along with other issues as well. I'd have to know more to say for sure. Regardless, you're obviously struggling, so please get some professional help. -Dr. Kurt
My husband and I have been together for 24 yrs married for 17. He decided that we should separate saying it’s not me it’s him. I found out a week later he had been having an affair. Now he’s moved out because we thought it was best as there was so much emotion and tension in the family home between him and I and it was not healthy for the kids to witness that. I think he’s having a midlife crisis, he’s questioning all his life choices, he’s unhappy that he hasn’t achieved what he wants to in life, he’s unhappy in his job, he feels like he is just going through life but not actually living it the way he thought he would, he’s withdrawn from our relationship/intimacy and he’s having an affair. He says he’s been unhappy for years. Now since he’s moved out he’s questioning if he’s made the right choice and trying to decide what he really wants. I told him I think he’s going through a midlife crisis but he dismissed it. He lost both his parents a number of years ago and he always says that his dad regrets not doing more with his life. I think this has had a major impact on his thought process. He said he is willing to go to counseling. I would love some advice of where to go from here. I’ve been told time is the key, I’m so lost on what to do.
Jay, Time is not enough. There are deeper problems that need to get addressed in order for him to find happiness. Go to counseling, especially if he's willing to go. -Dr. Kurt