Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Porn is a pretty uncomfortable subject for nearly everyone to discuss. Something that typically accompanies porn viewing that can be even more embarrassing is masturbation. And now a new problem has surfaced around porn and masturbation in the form of porn erectile dysfunction.
But wait - isn't it just older guys who have erectile dysfunction?
Yes, that is usually true, although men of any age can have this problem.
Porn erectile dysfunction, however, is a new problem, different from regular ED, and it's affecting men of all ages – but particularly younger men.
The short answer is – yes.
Obviously, not being able to get an erection is a physical function problem. Several things can cause it, including,
The most common causes of erectile dysfunction are,
As exhaustive as this list seems, one of the biggest contributors, especially for younger, healthy men, and the thing most unlikely to be listed on any description of the causes of erectile dysfunction, is porn.
Hold on – shouldn't watching porn help with getting an erection, not inhibit one?
Maybe, maybe not.
For nearly all men, porn is associated with arousal. And yes, that’s largely the effect – until it isn’t.
Before the internet, access to porn was limited to videos and magazines, like Playboy and Penthouse. While some men had collections of these, most guys had limited access.
But the internet has made the availability of porn images and video clips nearly instantaneous and limitless.
This endless supply of visual sexual images has fed men's natural desire to both "hunt" and fantasize about sex. As a result, the pleasure of sexual fantasizing combined with an infinite supply of stimulating images has turned looking at porn into a game of seeking ever increasingly exciting images and fantasies for many, many men.
This is one of the big reasons why for some men watching porn becomes so habitual and consumes hours upon hours.
Here's what one woman told me:
My spouse is 35 years old. He has struggled with porn before it even hit the internet. Since he was 12. Boxes and boxes of magazines. Now in his phones... There are 14,000 photos. Yes. 14,000. That's an old phone. The new one has 5,000. And now there is a back up phone and I don't know how many there are. He admits it's an issue. Says when he feels it taking over."
As shocking as this may be, I've actually had men confess to me in counseling of having even more porn saved than this guy.
Like this husband, many men have no idea how big an issue their porn watching really is. After all, isn't it normal for men to want to look at a naked woman?
Yes, but an excessive amount of anything causes problems – even good things (however porn isn't a good thing).
And now an increasing number of men are reporting difficulties getting and keeping an erection when being intimate with their partners.
I know men who also have problems reaching orgasm when having sex with their wives or girlfriends. And some men can even lose interest in having sex at all with a real woman.
This flies in the face of many common assumptions.
Aren't men suppose the think about sex every 6 seconds?
Aren't they supposed to be so sex focused they'd have intercourse nearly any time?
What gives?
Again, the short answer is – yes.
Sexual arousal releases the pleasure chemical dopamine in the brain. And too much dopamine can be a problem.
When viewing porn becomes habitual it can cause the nerves in the brain to become less sensitive and responsive to dopamine. This results in normal sexual intimacy (with a real woman) being insufficient to produce enough dopamine for erectile arousal.
The consequence of this change in the brain can be seen in the prior descriptions of men requiring more and more porn to get aroused and maintain an erection until orgasm.
This doesn’t have to be the permanent state of things, however. Eliminating porn will eventually lead to a return to a normalized dopamine response.
There are some clinicians who say that porn erectile dysfunction is a myth. But there are also a lot of people who believe porn is harmless too.
Neither of which I agree with.
The truth is that porn gives short-term pleasure, but along with that comes long-term problems.
Masturbating to porn repetitively over time raises the threshold necessary for sexual arousal, as well as orgasm.
As a result, sexual stimulus, whether real or digital, that used to immediately create excitement, no longer does, and so more and more, and newer and newer stimuli is required.
Once you understand this cycle, it’s not hard to see how normal sex with someone you've been with before would not arouse a porn user like it used too. One man I treated for porn addiction needed to masturbate and orgasm again right after having sex with his wife.
The good news, as I said earlier, is that porn erectile dysfunction is reversible.
Stop viewing porn and masturbating, and typically within 3 months the dopamine levels in your brain will return to normal levels.
However, quitting porn is much easier said than done. Despite good intentions, the addictive power of porn and its easy accessibility make it very difficult for most men to stop on their own without professional help.
There are a number of mom myths we all heard as kids. One of the most famous mom sayings has been, “Put on a jacket or you'll catch a cold." We now know that being cold does not give you a cold.
Another couple of myths routinely heard by sons everywhere involves the male anatomy,
If you keep playing with it, it will fall off someday."
And,
Masturbation will make you go blind."
Obviously, it's not going to fall off nor are you going to go blind, but it is a myth that looking at porn is harmless, and the truth is that porn erectile dysfunction can be one of the consequences.
Let’s be clear about something. Masturbation is normal. No one wants to admit it, but everyone’s done it.
Porn is not.
So, while watching porn and masturbating may not cause blindness or make it fall off, it can cause it to stop working properly. Meaning, yes – porn erectile dysfunction is a fact and a real problem for many men.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 25, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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I am 48 yrs old and have been with my husband for almost 28 yrs together and married for 20. I have battled the porn issue since the start of our marriage around 1996. I found a phone sex bill for hundreds of dollars. I was so upset I cheated with a friend I met in our building. We worked it out and forgave each other and moved to burbs with 2 beautiful teens. I am a fit lady who works out 3-4 times per week and I know other men find me attractive enough. I have partied with hubby using rec drugs nothing heavy just light weed and cocaine when kids were away.We used porn together enough and that was ok but then he said and showed me his internet "go to porn chick" I thought I was pleasing him through our partying. I have to take blame as I asked him to share his dirty thoughts so I kind of deserved that. I felt bad for asking him to share. I did not yell at him but now have a tough time when I see her image in my head. She was chunkier than me. I am not going to get fat if it kills me. The girl on Internet was a blonde named Desiree. This hurt me as it was the same person. I admit I look at porn myself to please myself as it becomes harder with age to get off but I look at different soft porn with random men when he is on nights. During one of our all night parties where we dress up to be sexy and role play I came downstairs to find porn on my IPad and a web chat site with stunning women! I am I hope cute or so I thought! I am terrified that he is having web chats as a natural progression. He said it was a pop up by I do not buy it as I never had a pop up when I watched for 5 mins maybe when he is on night shift. I know he also had a web friend from the U.S whom he chatted with but said nothing ever happened that was sexual. I was stunned by this as I was pregnant at the time long time ago 1999. I did have self confidence and I am not a prude but it really hurts that no matter how hard I try will never be that hot or tall etc... I love him but am now do not know how to trust him or feel like he desires me. I am now on a disability pension due to back and hand injuries. We have been to numerous counsellors but they told Roy hubby to get more sleep?? How do I trust him again and stop trying to control him? I want to be his hottie!! PS sorry for long email.
LW, Sorry if that's the counseling advice you got because that's way off the mark on how to stop a porn addiction. You've got to rebuild the trust in healthier ways so you don't feel the need to control him. In order to do that you need to have him onboard and willing to change. Is he? Read back through your story and see if you can see a pattern in your behavior of you compromising yourself in order to keep him and the relationship. You need to stop that if you really want things to change. There's a lot of history that's got you two to where you are today and you both have played a part. It sounds like you want to change things - does he? -Kurt
LW Hi Kurt, Sorry for delay in responding back. Yes U R right I have compromised so much over the years to be what he expects. I am going to try Counselling to help me get over my trust issues. I am going to try and salvage this bond we had. I have read comments stating that women should just get over it! So sad to see as these lovely ladies need to love ourselves me included. I am not a prude and have played tried new things. I will not bring another women into our relationship as for me that does not work. One comment said to have an open marriage huh?. This is not the answer for a Mom with kids when could this happen? I feel to each his own but there would never be trust in this type of relationship or rather no relationship! I hope my husband also wants to fight for this relationship and maybe open his eyes to what he could lose! For the ppl out there I too have watched porn alone for myself but I would rather have sex with my hubby and not have him hide porn from me. I keep myself fit and thin by working out so I have not gained weight after kids so I look good for him and me. Thanks for your time and Good Luck to these women who are just tired of being taken for granted. Please wake up hubby!
LW, I am in exactly the same situation, with a few changes to your story. I am with a younger man, been together 3 years, so I feel the pressure to stay fit and attractive. I was appalled, and physically sick the first time I saw the porn sites that he had been looking at, and confronted him. He gets defensive, so I thought I would keep our sex life exciting to fill the need. I'm not disgusted be run of the mill porn, but dislike porn that degrades women. He was introduced to porn by a neighbour from a very young age (3), and his tastes in porn can be really horrible. Yes he does suffer from Porn erectile function, I'm so glad to see a name for it and not think it's me. I'm fit, attractive, and readily available to him, but he will still watch porn, and thinks I don't know. To me, porn is a couples thing, when you're in a relationship, not sneaking and covering your tracks. I'm beginning to think that men who like too much porn, could be married to a porn star, and still want to watch other porn.
TS
Tamara, This is actually true - "I'm beginning to think that men who like too much porn, could be married to a porn star, and still want to watch other porn." That's because part of what porn creates is an insatiable appetite for the next sexual image that is even more exciting than the last, which is why it's so powerful and so hard to stop without help. -Kurt
That was some absolutely perfect and sound advice you delivered to TAMARA
Hey girls I know my replys so late... I'm feeling the same you know what you be fit and proud of your self... I notice they still do it... And there are varieties of girls on there... Some you would notice what aren't even there type real life... But why do they do it... I've got no idea... Make you feel unappreciated that's how I'm feeling... I've addressed it almost broke up over it.... It's not my thing I'm not interested what's a partner really for... I'm fit I eat healthy I look after my self I get compliments.... But yet he's got it....He offered to delete it... I asked my friends on advice they told me it was normal.... Even though there partners aren't watching it.... Yeah okay not in the same boat of the feeling... But I let him keep it because I was convinced it was normal... But it still pops up in my Brain... I think he thinks I will get over it... But I think it will always be there... I still can't work out why they need it if you got it all going on.... And there committed to someone... And your giving it and your sex life is great... And you have fun together in general and bed wise.... What's the point to having it ... It must be the variety I'm thinking...
Thanks Kurt for your input, I feel a little less alone in this situation, reading the comments on your site from other women that dislike porn also. It is so demoralizing and destructive to women, no wonder we always feel "not good enough". I wish my partner would sit down and read all the comments, so that he can realise there are women all over the world that are echoing my opinion. I really don't know where to go next, do I try and change this habit with someone who says it's not an addiction for him, or do I give up now and save myself the pain. Why do these men have no respect for the female form, or their own partners bodies. I feel like a piece of meat to him, and find that while I fake it, I don't even really enjoy sex with him, the way he is. I crave "boring, loving, lovemaking" now. Anyway, thanks so much,
Tamara
I accept it's a problem
Pornography is destructive to
Women but it is also destructive to men. They don’t realize how they’re destroying themselves watching porn all the time. I’m a single woman, and I noticed men who watch porn are terrible in bed. I went with a guy for years and years then he started watching pornography together with his grandson. Our sex life went immediately downhill although he thought he was getting better (not!!) I left him.
This article is amazing and has opened my eyes to my relationship with my partner of 35 years. We have had various episodes of him messing around online, leaving me feeling horrible, powerless and inadequate as a wife. He says he loves me and wants to stay together. He recently shared some of the images he was masterbating to when I asked (was not a smart request) and it made me physically sick. I have come to the end of my rope with his actions and this article has been the icing on the cake. Our sex life has not been good because I do not feel like engaging knowing what he is doing online. And by the way for many years he has blamed me for not having sex with him (my fault right). But the other day he casual mentioned he was going to look into a ED aid. I was surprised because I though he was having a go at it a lot. But the few times that we do have sex he cannot perform. Is this the reason, too much porn? I will continue to let him work out his ED without a discussion because he will not talk about it further. My last resort is to seek couples counselling, he said he would go. Outside this big problem we have a great relationship, beautiful stable grown children and great friends. Ending this relationship would be the last resort because I cannot live with not be respected and loved the way I deserve. After thinking awhile I do not think this is going to work out the way I wish it would. Thank you so much!