Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Porn is a pretty uncomfortable subject for nearly everyone to discuss. Something that typically accompanies porn viewing that can be even more embarrassing is masturbation. And now a new problem has surfaced around porn and masturbation in the form of porn erectile dysfunction.
But wait - isn't it just older guys who have erectile dysfunction?
Yes, that is usually true, although men of any age can have this problem.
Porn erectile dysfunction, however, is a new problem, different from regular ED, and it's affecting men of all ages – but particularly younger men.
The short answer is – yes.
Obviously, not being able to get an erection is a physical function problem. Several things can cause it, including,
The most common causes of erectile dysfunction are,
As exhaustive as this list seems, one of the biggest contributors, especially for younger, healthy men, and the thing most unlikely to be listed on any description of the causes of erectile dysfunction, is porn.
Hold on – shouldn't watching porn help with getting an erection, not inhibit one?
Maybe, maybe not.
For nearly all men, porn is associated with arousal. And yes, that’s largely the effect – until it isn’t.
Before the internet, access to porn was limited to videos and magazines, like Playboy and Penthouse. While some men had collections of these, most guys had limited access.
But the internet has made the availability of porn images and video clips nearly instantaneous and limitless.
This endless supply of visual sexual images has fed men's natural desire to both "hunt" and fantasize about sex. As a result, the pleasure of sexual fantasizing combined with an infinite supply of stimulating images has turned looking at porn into a game of seeking ever increasingly exciting images and fantasies for many, many men.
This is one of the big reasons why for some men watching porn becomes so habitual and consumes hours upon hours.
Here's what one woman told me:
My spouse is 35 years old. He has struggled with porn before it even hit the internet. Since he was 12. Boxes and boxes of magazines. Now in his phones... There are 14,000 photos. Yes. 14,000. That's an old phone. The new one has 5,000. And now there is a back up phone and I don't know how many there are. He admits it's an issue. Says when he feels it taking over."
As shocking as this may be, I've actually had men confess to me in counseling of having even more porn saved than this guy.
Like this husband, many men have no idea how big an issue their porn watching really is. After all, isn't it normal for men to want to look at a naked woman?
Yes, but an excessive amount of anything causes problems – even good things (however porn isn't a good thing).
And now an increasing number of men are reporting difficulties getting and keeping an erection when being intimate with their partners.
I know men who also have problems reaching orgasm when having sex with their wives or girlfriends. And some men can even lose interest in having sex at all with a real woman.
This flies in the face of many common assumptions.
Aren't men suppose the think about sex every 6 seconds?
Aren't they supposed to be so sex focused they'd have intercourse nearly any time?
What gives?
Again, the short answer is – yes.
Sexual arousal releases the pleasure chemical dopamine in the brain. And too much dopamine can be a problem.
When viewing porn becomes habitual it can cause the nerves in the brain to become less sensitive and responsive to dopamine. This results in normal sexual intimacy (with a real woman) being insufficient to produce enough dopamine for erectile arousal.
The consequence of this change in the brain can be seen in the prior descriptions of men requiring more and more porn to get aroused and maintain an erection until orgasm.
This doesn’t have to be the permanent state of things, however. Eliminating porn will eventually lead to a return to a normalized dopamine response.
There are some clinicians who say that porn erectile dysfunction is a myth. But there are also a lot of people who believe porn is harmless too.
Neither of which I agree with.
The truth is that porn gives short-term pleasure, but along with that comes long-term problems.
Masturbating to porn repetitively over time raises the threshold necessary for sexual arousal, as well as orgasm.
As a result, sexual stimulus, whether real or digital, that used to immediately create excitement, no longer does, and so more and more, and newer and newer stimuli is required.
Once you understand this cycle, it’s not hard to see how normal sex with someone you've been with before would not arouse a porn user like it used too. One man I treated for porn addiction needed to masturbate and orgasm again right after having sex with his wife.
The good news, as I said earlier, is that porn erectile dysfunction is reversible.
Stop viewing porn and masturbating, and typically within 3 months the dopamine levels in your brain will return to normal levels.
However, quitting porn is much easier said than done. Despite good intentions, the addictive power of porn and its easy accessibility make it very difficult for most men to stop on their own without professional help.
There are a number of mom myths we all heard as kids. One of the most famous mom sayings has been, “Put on a jacket or you'll catch a cold." We now know that being cold does not give you a cold.
Another couple of myths routinely heard by sons everywhere involves the male anatomy,
If you keep playing with it, it will fall off someday."
And,
Masturbation will make you go blind."
Obviously, it's not going to fall off nor are you going to go blind, but it is a myth that looking at porn is harmless, and the truth is that porn erectile dysfunction can be one of the consequences.
Let’s be clear about something. Masturbation is normal. No one wants to admit it, but everyone’s done it.
Porn is not.
So, while watching porn and masturbating may not cause blindness or make it fall off, it can cause it to stop working properly. Meaning, yes – porn erectile dysfunction is a fact and a real problem for many men.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 25, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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I can't disagree with any of the comments by the author or post responses. However, I'd like to offer the perspective of a married man that one day thought porn may be contributing to my lack of libido and erection strength with my wife. Around 42 I began to notice that my erections were no where near the size and rigidity they once were. I tried the way our society (and my doctor) tells us to treat erectile dysfunction, but testosterone replacement therapy and ED pills didn't really work for me. I did get fuller erections, but the ED pills gave me pounding headaches. TRT, made my testicles shrink! Yeah, seriously. Needless to say, I stopped the use of both drugs. Frustrated I began to spend countless hours on the Internet looking for a natural solution. What I found were bits of credible information here and there and I tried to address them all in hopes of solving my problem. This is where I first read about the concept that porn was causing me to lose interest in "real" sex. I ended up solving my ED with several actions. Yet, I didn't give up porn entirely. Instead, I did this: 1) I stopped watching pornography for 2 months 2) When I started again, I only watched porn that wasn't disrespectful towards women 3) I asked my partner to watch some pornography with me! 4) I talked to my partner about what visually and physically stimulates me...and her of course. 5) I practiced masturbating without any visual stimulation at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not sure that one needs to cut out porn entirely. Look, I love my wife immensely and I'd do anything for her, but I wouldn't feel right if she insisted I not watch porn at all. I just don't want anyone telling me what to do. Who does? Watching porn doesn't mean I love my wife any less. Just because your husbands don't want to stop doesn't mean that they don't love you or value your relationship. Maybe you could approach your husbands with the idea of watching porn together. Help them understand why some of the porn they are watching is degrading to women and how that makes you feel. Then, simultaneously you may want to try some of the things my wife and I implemented into our sex life to spice it up: We often play the stranger game. i.e. we pretend we don't know each other and are trying to pick each other up. Is this defeating your purpose - to have them love you and not the thought of another woman? We don't look at it this way at all. Instead we just inject this humor into our sex lives, which helps us really enjoy our friendship. We use old, tired and hilarious one liners. Suddenly, when we're completely relaxed and have laughed away all the stress of life we find ourselves lusting for each other. How is that bad? We play the stranger game at home too. My wife has dressed up for me as the naughty nurse, disobedient school girl, etc. Before you think it, I don't want to have sex with a schoolgirl. I've dressed up for her several times as well - the dirty car mechanic that just fixed her car, the landscaping guy, rich millionaire, you name it. We talk often about what feels good, outside of the bedroom and inside. We still correct each other on technique. We talk about audible turn ons, visual turn ons, dirty talk, you name it. Sure, it was awkward at first, but now it's no big deal. We acknowledge attractive members of the opposite sex. I think men (including me) have a difficult time with the thought of sex with only one person for the rest of our lives. I would think even women do. Most of us realize at some points in our lives that a relationship is more meaningful and fullfilling, so we look for a single partner, but I don't see why this means we should shut our eyes or try to convince ourselves our spouse is the only attractive person on the planet. It just helps us to keep communication lines open and stay honest with each other. Having said all of this I have to emphasize again that I made several other lifestyle changes that probably had a greater impact on my erectile dysfunction then my change in porn watching habits. Here's what I changed: I went from sleeping 4.5 - 6 hours of sleep a night to 7.5 to 8. I read that men produce testosterone during REM sleep and I wanted to eliminate this factor. I started eating healthy and incorporated a whole list of foods that help to increase antioxidants and nitric oxide in the body. Nitric oxide being a key component to attaining an erection. I began to exercise more regularly and lost about 15 lbs. I'm probably still 15 lbs overweight at 5'7" and 175, but the 15 lbs I lost was two waist sizes off and it made a huge difference in my energy level. I certainly don't mean to tell anyone what to do, or imply I know what will work for you. I just wanted to share my experiences with you in hopes that it can help your situation. Good Luck, MG
I have been a porn addict since an early age (10 years or so), from seeing magazines my father had in the trunk of his car. These were powerful images at such a young age. As a teenager a couple of friends of mine and I went to the movies to watch a porn movie for the first time. The impact on me was tremendous and has been very difficult to shake off ever since (I am 56 years old). My wife discovered my addiction 13 or so years ago, after which time I remained sober for a year. There were no Smartphones available then (the source of the bulk of my addiction), and that helped tremendously. My addiction has continued on/off over the years, until 10 days ago when my wife once again discovered what I was up to. I became so comfortable with my addiction that I would download movies to my phone while in my house. She picked up my phone and all hell broke loose then. My saving grace has been that she understands the epidemic porn addiction has become, and is willing to support me if I prove to her that I am walking away from it. That is my commitment to her, although I know the road to recovery will be hard. I have hope that I can reverse these habits but restoring my brain's normal chemical balance, but will take a tremendous amount of effort to fight off the urges I feel to masturbate, much more so than looking at images and remembering them.
Hi, I'm at the point of leaving. I've known about my husbands porn addiction for years. But I stayed "for the kids". The years flew by. Wish I had left a long time ago. I'm 60 now, still feel like I have years left. Our sex life is totally over, we haven't had sex in about 2 years. I haven't had sex in 2 years. Him, about 5 times a week with is porn. He hides it. I find out. Sadly I have even gone to the low of video taping just to know. I guess to justify my exit. He doesn't know. I erase every day. I just need to know he lies, totally doesn't want me. He has e.d. but buys his blue pills for his videos, not me. I tried to talk about it, he says never happens. It's my problem. I never turned him away. Our sex life was great. We were very compatable in sex. Until he found porn. In the beginning we'd watch together. Even take off every few months for weekend time togrther. Then slowly I was fazed out for "barely 18" and "teen, tight, and anal", type vids. We argue, I'm always mad, he doesn't talk to me he fine by him self. He's retired, I still work full time. He has all day to himself for videos. I hate computers. His is locked, and protected from my "nosey ways". Im stressed, tired, and ready to leave. I wish I had my husband back. But I cant compete. Depression is my life. He doesn't care.
Ann, Porn addiction is something that most men don't recognize they have, and usually need to hear it from a professional. Only you can know if leaving is right for you, but it would be wise to see a professional counselor before making such a life altering decision. -Kurt
Hi. I am so sorry you are going through this. All I can say is, for addicts, nothing changes until you leave. That's what it takes. And sometimes that doesn't work either. But that's not why you leave. You leave because your self esteem is gone and you have nothing left if you are living with a man who prioritizes teenaged girls over you. I'm 50. I was in your place once but now I am married to a man who says "As usual, you are the most beautiful woman in the room." And he means it. Not because I am but because I am me. And I have my self esteem back.
Good luck.
Ann you can't compete. It's been 8 1/2 years for me since my husband has had sex with me. He says it's his problem it's not me. If I bring up sex, he gives me a look that says I'm disgusted to him. We haven't slept in the same bed for 10 years. I can't compete with this. He also has joined dating websites, but of courses thats not his fault either, and he says its not like i can really talk to them. I have to make a choice. By the way I'm 61.
I have watched porn but I would not say I was an addict. The porn I'd watch was what most would class as 'soft' - femdom scenes like corporal punishment for example. I could quite happily go for days or even weeks without viewing this but I'd still masturbate anything up to 5+ times a day, most days with these scenes in my head, so I guess that's just as bad as actually viewing it? However, to my horror, I've still developed E.D although I can get decent erections occasionally (I'd estimate about 5% of the time) For me, eradicating E.D is so important, I'd never want to go back to the porn trap and I've deleted the images I used to fantasise over. It's early days yet, but I'm sure I'm recovering slowly but surely. Hopefully, my problem was simply sexual fatigue caused by excessive masturbation. Like Michael above, I'm taking steps to a healthier lifestyle to aid my recovery (fitness, diet, sleep etc)
David, Thank you for sharing your story! Congratulations on recognizing the problem and taking steps to resolve it. Best of luck. -Kurt
Kurt, even if you are not actively viewing porn, if you have watched some in the past and you are continuing to fantasise over these images, is that hindering progress to eradicate E.D ie just as bad? Also, I'm a vegetarian, do you know if soy based diets promote E.D? Thanks for your time. David
David, Everyone recovers from porn addiction differently, and men almost always need professional help as porn is really tricky. It's a big change, and making changes takes time. You would need to ask your physician regarding your diet and it's effect on E.D. -Kurt
I commend all you men who submitted stories regarding your excessive porn use and why it caused problems in your relationships. It is very brave, upfront, and extremely helpful to us women who are left feeling alone and undesirable.
My husband and i have been together almost 20 years. For the past approx 7 yrs we have discussed, and battled this issue. It got so bad that i finally gave up even trying to talk about it. For the past 3 years, i think we have had sex 4 times! Now, if this wasnt a bad enough situation, my husband is refusing to improve our sex life at all. And, its all due to laziness! He says "its too much like work", and he will not talk to his dr about this. He doesnt recognize the fact that he has left me sad, lonely, and without any affection at all. Recently, however, i discovered that he not only watches a lot more porn than i was aware of, but he also masturbates quite often. In an excess of 10-15 times a day.
The ONLY answer i get from him regarding intercourse, is that "he is older, things dont work like they used to, and i should get over it". I find it extremely selfish that he has decided that MY sex life should be over for the mere reason that he is too lazy to fix it. He does not care the least bit how much this hurts me. My concerns have turned into anger, and too many hurtful things have been said. We have both threatened to end our marriage and move on.
So, ladies if your man is willing to discuss your issues openly and honestly, consider yourself lucky! You arent alone in finding a solution. I envy you:)