When people talk about “toxic relationships,” it isn’t just pop-psychology jargon. It’s a real emotional pattern that can feel every bit as gripping and consuming as a chemical addiction.
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Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. With some self-awareness, effort, and the tips below, you can stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
The keys to controlling overthinking in your relationship are found in learning to recognize your patterns and triggers, grounding yourself, and communicating your feelings. Doing these things unlocks your ability to connect to your partner and experience real intimacy and happiness.
Once you’ve taken the time to recognize your overthinking behavior and understand what it’s doing to you, your partner, and your relationship, you can start untangling those behaviors with some practical tools
The following can help you begin that process.
Overthinking is generally born out of fear. It’s your brain’s way of protecting you from what it perceives as threats – even if you don’t consciously recognize those threats.
So, ask yourself,
Is there something else I’m actually afraid of?”
For instance, are you afraid,
Once you name your fear (or fears), you can deal with it directly. Most of these types of fears stem from past relationships and, in some cases, childhood experiences.
Keeping thoughts bottled up in your head won’t work. You can’t just think yourself through a relationship issue, even if the issue is primarily yours.
So, you need to talk to your partner about your fears and what you’re thinking.
That doesn’t mean unleashing every anxious thought on your partner and blasting them with every worry and concern. But it does mean sharing your emotional reality and what you understand as the basis of your fears.
Try something like,
When I don’t hear from you for (name the time), my mind goes to the worst places. I think it’s because (explain your past experience). Can we talk about this?”
Being honest and vulnerable helps bring people closer and helps partners understand each other and how to support one another.
When you catch yourself overthinking your relationship, try grounding techniques that can help you maintain a more realistic perspective.
Ask yourself,
If you’ve taken the second step above, you might also plan to touch base quickly about your worries later that day.
The goal isn’t to completely eliminate your thoughts – aiming too high can lead to feelings of disappointment and failure – but rather to interrupt the cycle and create a different perspective.
Often, overthinking in a relationship comes from narratives we create. For instance,
When going down these pathways, pause and ask yourself – could there be another explanation?
Occam’s Razor is a principle suggesting that the simplest explanation is almost always the best. So, if he hasn’t texted back, he’s probably in a meeting or has his phone silenced. And if she’s late, it’s probably because of traffic or work being a little heavy today.
Remind yourself that you don’t have the full picture yet. This slight shift in perspective can save you hours of needless stress.
These tips for reducing overthinking in a relationship can work for many, but sometimes it takes a bit more help.
Depending on what created these deep-seated fears that have led to overthinking, you might need the help of a qualified counselor to put them to rest.
Anxiety and anxious thinking can be tough to control on your own. A counselor can help untangle what got you here and provide personalized tools for controlling and overcoming your penchant for overthinking.
When asked for his advice on how to quit overthinking in a relationship Dr. Kurt offered this insight,
The key to quitting overthinking your relationship is to recognize when you're starting to do it. When it becomes a problem there will be common triggers for it. Such as a regular thought or memory your mind goes to, or a situation or event that starts you ruminating. This is the point you need to catch yourself – before you go down the hole of overthinking."
If only there were an on-and-off switch for our brains – or at least for anxious thoughts. Unfortunately, there’s not.
You’ll need to put in some time and effort to stop problematic overthinking in your relationship. The tips above can give you a framework for controlling those intrusive thoughts and breaking the cycle.
But when tips to stop overthinking aren’t enough, a counselor can provide support and help.
If your thoughts are repetitive, anxious, or based on assumptions, you're probably overthinking. And if they’re based on obvious past experiences, you’re likely overthinking.
Stop, take deep breaths, and ask yourself, “Is this rational? Is it based on something real, or am I making assumptions?” Then, wait to think about things more until you have the whole picture.
When people talk about “toxic relationships,” it isn’t just pop-psychology jargon. It’s a real emotional pattern that can feel every bit as gripping and consuming as a chemical addiction.
There are real psychological, emotional, and even biological reasons toxic relationships can feel strangely addictive. Understanding those reasons is crucial for breaking the cycle.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
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