Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
We all have said something to the person we love that we later regret. Under stressful circumstances our ability to manage our words can get compromised and words can slip out that don't always convey how we truly feel. However, when there is a consistent and pervasive pattern of negative communication it can become verbal harassment.
Harassment is a behavior most people are more likely to associate with a work environment, such as sexual harassment, which has been in the news a lot lately. A less common form is verbal harassment and most people don't typically associate this kind of harassing as coming from an intimate partner such as a spouse or boyfriend.
Verbal harassment is any unwanted communication that is derogatory, demeaning, or hurtful. What makes it harassing is the repetitive pattern it takes on. Although 'verbal' is part of the name, the communication can take many forms -- words either directly spoken to the person or indirectly such as through a voice mail message, text messages (very common now), emails, or written communication.
More common than people would think and certainly more than it should be. Both men and women can be the perpetrators, in fact women can do this more than men since they more often choose to use non-physical kinds of abuse. Even what is sometimes described as nagging can actually turn into verbal harassment.
Do partners in romantic relationships feel verbally harassed? Yes, it happens quite regularly actually. Although this is probably more common in marriages since putting your best foot forward is no longer necessary and the partner cannot leave as easily.
While partners or spouses are less likely to label the behavior as verbal harassment, if you ask them what it feels like they'll usually say they feel "harassed."
I'm counseling two couples right now who are dealing with verbal harassment in their relationships. Both have the same problem, but don't see it for what it really is. Each woman has dating histories prior to getting together with their husband's that their man cannot let go of. The problem is described as "he can't get past my past," which is true. But there's also the problem that both men verbally harass their wives as they struggle with their pasts.
Here's another example:
In fact he tries to turn everything around on me. He changed all the passwords on our phone bill and continues to send me messages about my phone activity. This is obviously a small glimpse into 9 years of chaos and dysfunction. I know that I have played my part in the arguing, saying mean things and wanting to be done in the marriage. He has used my faith each and every time to stay, along with verbally harassing phone calls and texts all hours of the night to where I finally say fine we can try again. Only to be bar-rated within 24 hours because things we have had on the calendar for months didn't appeal to him (church camp, swim lessons, etc.)." -Elena
Humor
Harassing comments can be disguised as sarcasm or excused as, "I was just joking." Harassing verbally can take the form of teasing, ridiculing, making fun of a person. It's often laughed off and the victim is blamed as being too sensitive or taking it too seriously.
Hidden
Just like other types of abuse, verbal harassment is often hidden from others. It occurs at home, in private, when it's only the two of you or the kids. As a form of verbal abuse it's subtle and not usually easy to recognize. Also, since others don't know about or see it the harassing is simple to deny.
Dismissed
Again, like other forms of abuse, verbal harassment gets dismissed, ignored, denied, or blamed on the victim. Similar to emotional and mental abuse, the victim is blamed rather than the abuser taking responsibility.
My husband (26) and I (25) got married just before having our first baby 8 months ago. I had a very traumatic birth and was on bed rest for 3 months and I am still in physical therapy recovering. I have had no sex drive since giving birth and my husband makes me feel guilty about it and is constantly on a daily basis asking me for sexual favors or grabbing/touching me in ways I consider to be sexual. He says he's just showing me love and I'm just pushing him away and hurting our relationship. I feel harassed and disrespected. He had been doing this since 2 weeks after I delivered. He makes me feel like a sexual object. I'm not even comfortable being completely naked around him anymore. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home and I'm so careful not to show too much affection because he always takes it further and pushes my limits even though he knows how I feel. Whenever I talk to him about it though he makes it sound like it's all my fault and I am mean and disrespectful to him and I'm drowning our relationship. I don't know what to do." -Sophie
Because of the characteristics listed above, it's very hard to stop verbal harassment on your own. Getting professional help can be invaluable in learning what's appropriate and what's not, and how to set boundaries and put limits on how you're treated. Additionally, having an authority figure challenge your partner on what's wrong with their behavior can be very effective getting them to see how it's wrong and how to change.
Here's an example of how long verbal harassing can go on:
My wife and I of 16 years are on the verge of divorce/separation. Exactly a month ago to date, I jumped her case over what I thought might be infidelity related to texting. I came down on her EXTREMELY hard and have crushed her heart so that she has lost all feelings for me. Now let me get to the real point. 15 years ago my wife had a 7 month affair and I found out about it. As a result, we decided to stay together and work through it. However, we didn't do anything of the sort, rather just went on with life letting time heal. However I continued to verbally harass, and keep tabs on her for 15 years.....I know it got old for her but to be honest It got to be such a habit, it was a part of my every day life....keeping tabs on what she was doing and who she was talking to." -Sean
Can you see yourself or your partner in any of these descriptions? If so, verbal harassment may be a problem in your relationship. You may not be totally sure, which is common. It's hard to tell much of the time, often because it's been going on so long it seems normal and so we question if it really could be true. If you're not sure, talk to a professional counselor who works with abusive relationships and find out for sure.
Think you might have a loved one verbally harassing you? Please share your story with others and get their feedback and opinion by leaving a comment below.
Guilt can be a positive emotion, but it's also often used as a tool to control or manipulate.
Guilt is a powerful emotion and not always a bad one. It can nudge us to do better, apologize when we’re wrong, and keep us from being deceptive. But when guilt is used as a tool to control or shame someone, or to maintain the upper hand in a relationship, it becomes dangerous and detrimental to emotional health.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Married 30 years, husband verbally abusive whole time. His anger & abuse peaked at times & I said I will leave unless we get counseling. He won't go, I stayed. He is super controlling & overly critical. I am so tired of the putdowns & his screaming & yelling. He is nice to friends & acquaintances, they would never believe what he is truly like to me. He controls our money. I am retired & get a good pension. When I worked I made more than him, 6 figure salary. He gives me $20 weekly allowance.
I have been in a relationship for 7 years, initially every now and then he would yell at me for nothing, just simply he was stressed out, profanity soon followed and he called me a mother XXXXX. I was very shocked and did not speak to him for days, he apologized by saying are you through with your madness?
I started off by saying to him I will not tolerate you berating me when you have issues, do not speak to me with disrespect and I will continue to respect and love you. That never happened again believe it or not for another three years, and in our 7 years we have had 4-5 major blow outs where we do not talk to each other for hours, days and sometimes weeks. He is very stubborn and refuses to see that he has alot of anger issues, not physically just verbally harrassing. Money seems to be a big issue that sets him off as he struggles to make a living and i seem to keep working and gaining rewards and increasing my income, he receives the benefits of my income and my hard work as I am a 50/50 partner I believe that you work together as a team to meet your goals, yet he seems to be slipping into a deep depression over his own achievements, he has gained 125 lbs and refuses to have sex for the last 2 months, he is so miserable hes gone to the ER twice in 6 mths for anxiety yet he refuses professional help. Last week he called me as we have joint investments in addition to separate bank accounts and he starts in by asking about an investment that we have that has lost half its value, I remind him that his friend recommended that investment and when we put money into it I told him it would 2-5 years to see any substantial movement, i was a financial consultant for years and he always respected my opinion on things financially as I have kept our debt low paid all our bills consistently and saved money. But this day his tone turned masochistic he said well with your simple mind I would have expected you would have known the investment was going down and get us out of it. And our business is only doing mediocre because your not aggressive enough ! he then went on to compare to his two friends that are 50/50 partners and how well they are doing, i lost my head and told him how dare you insult me while I am at work working to keep a roof over our heads, pay our bills while you contribute zero in effort or 50% of financial assistance, you do nothing to help this situation for yourself! WELL that was 9 days ago and he has refused to speak to me and he is not home and will not see me, I believe he is having a MLC with verbal harrassment for the icing on the cake. He refuses to respond by text or calls and will only talk to me through his grandmother! I finally spoke my mind and defended myself and now I am verbally and physically cut off, thankfully I did not buy a house with him and frankly after this i need to stay away from him. So MLC and Verbal Abuse seem to go hand in hand as is my story. Hes cut me off from his family and did not invite me to his mothers birthday, unbelievable masochist! Simply erased me because I told him the truth about our situation right now, which clearly struck a nerve. So I am concentrating on my self and my business and leaving him to fend for his own moods and responsibilities. There is nothing I can do to assist him with his MLC, he needs to see a therapist and Until that happens I can not submit myself to this abuse as much as I love him. So as a self respecting woman I just want to say water your own grass first as no one is going to water it for you especially not an MLC man!
My partner of 7 months made me feel bad for not having sex. Called me dirty, stinky junkie, c**t, idiot, f****n idiot, rerarded and still says I love you. I’d rather be physically abused. Everything is my fault and “not this again Courtney” I hear every time I talk seriously or tell him how much I miss him. This sounds bad as I type it and Its scary because I know I’m still in denial and not strong enough to leave. Please help! 🙁 sorry.
Courtney, No one deserves to be spoken to in that manner. Verbal abuse is as destructive as physical abuse and it can actually lead to physical abuse in some cases. If you have asked him to stop and he won't it is time to consider leaving. You are strong enough. The most important thing is to protect yourself and stay safe. Please take care. -Dr. Kurt
I know that you love him very hard. But, remember that the dog's tail will never be straight. He will always continue to abuse you and demoralize you. So, think about your future and your parents who raised you with lot of effort. Take the right decision. You deserve better. All the best. Wellwisher.
I've been in a relationship for a little over four years now and we have two children. One is mine from previous relationship and one together. At first we had an open and loving relationship but once our daughter was born he seemed to do a 180 he constantly screams at me and calls me names and I don't do anything and he hates me then the next minute he is calm and says he loves me but I need to do better for him...I already feel so worn out I try so hard to care for our home and our family...I don't know what to do anymore...i also have no where to go. He never wanted me to work after the baby so I have no money to get out. I feel so lost and alone. Please help!
Hi Crystal, I'm very sorry to hear about the state of your relationship. Verbal abuse is never okay. I would recommend you schedule some alone time with your husband when things are calm and discuss things with him. You may want to point out that what your children see is what they will consider acceptable and normal as they grow. If the abuse continues then the next step would be counseling. Your first priority, however, it to keep yourself and your children safe. -Dr. Kurt