Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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One of the most genuine pleasures in a romantic relationship is sex. Let’s not beat around the bush – sex is fun. It makes you feel good, and in a loving relationship brings you closer and deepens the intimacy.
But what if you find out along the way that your husband actually prefers his hand over you when it comes to sexual pleasure?
It’s generally accepted that all people will masturbate at some point in their lives. There shouldn’t be any shame in that.
However, when you’re in a committed relationship it’s also generally assumed that there’s no longer a reason for masturbation to occur.
Why use your hand when you can have the real thing?
This is a question asked by many women when they find out that their husband prefers his own hand over them.
Although it’s not discussed in polite company, most people at some point have engaged in self-love.
Puberty is probably the most obvious time of life for this to occur, and boys are perhaps more prone to masturbate than girls (or at least more frequently).
But if you were to ask any man whether he’d rather have sex with a woman or be left to his own devices we all think we know what the answer would be. However, more recently porn and his hand is increasingly becoming the preferred choice, especially among younger men.
Which makes it’s even more confusing for women when their partners opt to use their own hand rather than have sex with them.
There are, however, reasons this can happen – some more concerning than others.
Among them are:
There’s a common perception that men want sex all the time and women rarely want it at all. While there can be differing levels of libido between the genders, especially if there are pregnancies or children involved, there’s more myth than reality to this belief.
That said, if your husband masturbates regularly, he may very well think that he’s doing you a favor by not bothering you.
And if you’ve given him reason to think that you’re not interested in him sexually he may also believe it’s a better solution than cheating for sex or having an affair.
Even the closest of couples can have a hard time discussing their sexual desires.
There may be things that turn him on that he thinks you’ll find repulsive. And maybe there are.
Of course, without building trust and healthy communication that encourages true intimacy, how would you know?
You know what doesn’t care about what he fantasizes about though?
His hand.
By masturbating he can imagine, or more likely watch the porn that depicts, the things he finds a turn on without any fear of judgement or rejection.
Sometimes it’s just habit.
His hand is there with him all the time – in the shower, the bathroom, late at night when you’re asleep.
It may not even occur to him that it would ever bother you. It’s something he’s done since he was a teen, so why stop?
Ladies, we all know that when it comes to sex there are things we like and ways we like it.
We also know that the man in our lives may need some coaching along the way to really get it.
Guess what?
He might just feel the same way.
As much as it may seem that sex for a man is pretty straight forward, it’s really not.
There are nuances and it’s possible that he may get a certain amount of pleasure from controlling his own experience.
It’s equally possible that he may feel too shy or uncomfortable to tell you what he likes and therefore figures he’ll just do it himself.
These, however, are not the only reasons your husband may prefer his hand over you.
The most concerning reason your husband may prefer his hand over you has to do with porn and porn addiction. And, sadly, this is possibly the most common reason women find their husbands masturbating rather than coming to them for sex.
Porn is easy to find and for many guys just seems like a normal guy thing to do. But it’s hard to watch porn without masturbating.
I mean really, what other reason is there for watching porn at all? It’s certainly not for the creative lighting or cinematography.
So, when a man routinely watches porn he also routinely masturbates. Of course, he may come to you for sex after watching porn, but that brings up a whole other set of issues.
Either way, it becomes a vicious cycle very often leading to porn addiction and bigger problems in the relationship.
Does all of this mean that your husband’s a sex addict and your sex life is a lost cause?
Not at all.
It does mean, however, that there’s some work to do.
If you’ve never discussed it with him it’s quite possible he has no idea that it bothers you when he masturbates.
It’s also possible he has no idea you know he masturbates, or least know how frequently he does it.
Which makes it the first thing you need to do is to find a way to talk to him about it.
Sounds kind of awful, doesn’t it?
I mean how does that conversation start?
It’s not really a bring-it-up-over-coffee kind of topic.
But bring it up you must (no pun intended).
Every couple and situation are different but consider these 5 tips for making things go more smoothly.
A topic like this needs some space and time to occur. Right before dinner when the kids are clamoring about being hungry isn’t a good choice. Instead make sure you have a span of time that isn’t likely to be interrupted and that you’re in a private spot comfortable for you both.
Be clear on this in your mind before you start the conversation.
Is your point that his behavior makes you feel unloved or unwanted?
Or,
Is it that you’d like to have more sex in your relationship and would like the energy he spends masturbating to be spent on you?
Maybe it’s both.
But if you lose sight of the reason you’re having the conversation things could easily turn confrontational and result in both of you feeling hurt, guilty, and even further disconnected from one another.
This is a sensitive topic and just the idea of talking about it will likely make your husband uncomfortable and skittish. So, understand that your approach will set the tone and so be careful.
The message from this discussion can be taken a couple of ways.
He may hear it as,
I want you to stop, I think it’s disgusting, don’t do this anymore.”
Or it might be,
I love you, I want to be closer to you, and you turning to your hand rather than me makes me feel like you don’t want me.”
While both messages may be true, which of these do you think will be better received and more likely to garner the response you’re hoping for?
It’s important to be careful about the words you chose and the message you’re trying to send.
We all want to feel wanted – however, men are particularly sensitive and responsive to being sexually desired. If he feels like your issue with his hand is because you want him and want him to want you, things are likely to go more smoothly.
If even with these tips you’re still finding that nothing is changing you may need additional help.
Dr. Kurt has worked with many couples dealing with this situation, and it can be a complicated problem to solve.
This is a topic where it's very easy for the sexes to misunderstand each other. Most women see this as a simple choice - he can either choose to have sex with his hand or have sex with me. A lot of men don't even see it as a choice, let alone as one option or the other. The reality is the majority of men masturbate, regularly, and do so regardless of whether or not they're having sex with their partner. A lot of guys have told me they use masturbation as a stress reliever – similar to having a beer after work. These differing viewpoints between women and men on this subject can make it very polarizing. There is truth on both sides, so trying to be understanding of each other is the first place to start."
When a woman says, “My husband prefers his hand over me,” what she’s also saying is that,
If you’re a woman in this situation, or even the man putting her there, know that things need to change in order for your relationship to be balanced and healthy.
Remember:
His masturbation may not have anything to do with how he feels about you and your attractiveness.
Sex, especially in a marriage, should not only be fun, it should also be shared and bring you closer together. If you think your husband prefers his hand over you, know that you’re not crazy for wanting things to be different.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on July 15, 2021 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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Same, been married for 11 year's. He comes home and goes solo in the shower after work. Once a week we have sex, but then that only last about 15 minutes. I told him I am always game for sex, but he rather do his own thing in the shower. How I know is, because he isn't that great at cleaning it up after. I am literally over this, why tell your wife that she is gorgeous, and that I turn him on? When he rather go to town on himself, than spending that time with someone who is always up to having sex? What brothers me is, I can't have sex with him on the weekdays, probably because he already took care of it, so then I have to wait until Saturday every week if that, but when Saturday hits, it's like I'm pulling teeth just to have ONE day to have sex with him. I am absolutely fed up with this.
Once a week is fine.
I am 75 and my guy is 74. We have been together for four years. We had great sex almost every night. Then one evening he runs into another room and with porn in hand masturbates for 6 hours. He has not come near me since. I am confused, feel abandoned, and super angry. Masturbation is pretty normal I think. But Holy Cow, what happened? Can I do anything? It has been 3 months. Should I just call it quits and leave?
Kat, Yes, you can do something. You can get some help in learning how you can influence him to see he has a problem and needs to get some help. You're experiencing how addicting porn can be. It sounds like you have a good relationship that's worth fighting for, so I'd give it a try before walking away. I help guys overcome a porn addiction every week, so it is doable. -Dr. Kurt
Oh the poor women ... complaining that they don't get the sex they want. You're just mad because your husband has taken away your main weapon of manipulation. Now how are you supposed to control him? After a while all men learn the juice isn't worth the squeeze. Masturbation feels better, and your hand doesn't nag you to death or need to talk about it's feelings. Instead of complaining, why don't you figure out why you're competing (and losing badly) with pixels on a screen and his right hand? If you want sex, make yourself worth it.
Nailed it.
I would like to say I'm not one of those women that play that card. I've educated myself on this addiction, I'm not married but in a 2 and a half year relationship. That being said it's the lie and the anger, denial and defensiveness that accurs when I even mention what happened to all the lotion and 2 boxes of tissues. I knew then he would never tell the truth. I don't care about self love!! But the lies hurt,the one sided sex hurts,not getting our needs met because porn teaches men its all about them. Think about this for a minute. Since most start young 12maybe and it's how you learn or you think sex should be from porn. We can express our likes, needs like kissing, caressing etc.. turn us on. I'm very open to anything he wants to try and do for him,it doesn't matter I give and give. Why is it all about the man? His wants, needs,fetish? And I can play dress up act like a slut as he calls it, roll play can be fun but when you are only taken out to be used at their convenience like a blow up doll there's a major problem. I'm in great shape,sexy if I do say I know it's not about me. Addiction never is. He just can't stop looking at these young girls having violent degrading sex. Something's you just can't compete with and I don't want to. Maybe you guys don't leave your lady frustrated or hanging everyime, maybe you take care of her who knows. I can count on 2 hands how many times I might have been satisfied. I'm a very sexual person and never was treated like this before. He gets his with his hand, or me did I say he only likes it rough? Oraly vag,anal you name it. I've expressed until I gave up now I'm hurt sad angry and shutting down. I'm not married my husband passed years ago. I have a decision to make. I would have been supportive but he lives in a fantasy world of lies and secrecy. Once he has his release he's done. The best I've get did you finish? How the hell is a woman supposed to if the man is getting all the pleasure and she gets nothing? Men are stuck in this adolescent mindset. Women just have to sit back and deal with it. That's not how a relationship works. Porn kills and distorts mens brain matter. If you don't believe me educate yourself. I'm not insecure myself worth is starting to get rattled I started to question why am I not good enough? But I most definitely am!! One thing men consider this. Looking at thousands of naked girls a day, week month and year. Now picture your wife or girlfriend doing the same thing you do pushing you aside because she watches all these hot airbrushed, makeup and cosmetics surgery hotties. I'm sure you see those hot men well endowed now,how do you think you'd feel being ignored? Not to manly, wanted, sexy,hot attractive? Shall I continue? I think not. It's all about pleasing the man. How about treating your lady like she matters and she just might give you that thrill. Sad part it won't be enough!!! Take responsibility for your actions if you want yourself by all means leave the relationship so you don't destroy our hearts anymore. I've done everything I possibly can even therapy. Be kind be loving watch how you talk about this. For what? How about therapy for the addict? But here's the glitch,just like alcohol,drugs they have to want help and stop watching porn and masterbation. Porn is considered a drug. To the women reading this I used to beat myself up. I'm still hurt I still try to understand but it has cost me emotionally and mentally. The sad part they don't care. He gave himself away by what he says now he's making comments about my body and says only kidding. There's nothing wrong with my body. I'm 113. Toned muscle get where I'm going? It doesn't matter if you're small or big and fluffy. We are beautiful! Porn, gaming any addiction takes away from you they see us as invisible better yet objects. Ladies don't beg I don't,get a hobby,go out do something for you. Don't sit around with a puss. I go to the gym, meeting. Work etc... Mine doesn't do anything he lives with Mom and Dad at 43 I was praying things would change thay haven't now I've had enough. I was told I'm to good LoL lesson learned. Keep your self respect no matter what. I don't control,nag or complain as John wrote but I do ask for things I want in bed. I am worth it John BTW if you're hand feels better than a woman then there is definitely an issue. I have male friends they masturbate but they'd rather have as they put it. Who in there right mind wouldn't want all that softness and real intimacy? There it is in a nutshell. True intimacy. Porn takes that from boys,men we are battling a lost cause unless they admit and want to be closer get to the root of wht they turn to porn. It's not just for sex Yes that's a big one but so many other reasons. I'll end this here. I'm not only losing my love I'm going to lose my friend but not much else. That's the sad part a child trapped in a mans body. Good luck
Thanks Maria! Well put! I’m glad to read such a reply to that comment and supported comments which were mean spirited and apathetic. It’s a selfish addiction that breaks the hearts of those spouses that have taken their vows and/or commitments serous with intentions to have a healthy intimacy and satisfying sex life. It’s crazy! And do these addicts really think it’s best for theirselves and the people that they apparently love and choose to spend their lives with? If the hand and fantasy online is your bag, online jack off addicts should man up and part their ways and let their ladies know they are fake in the relationship and prefer to jack off online. And let them be online jack off junkies all alone and then see how they feel. The cause of such actions of preference to jack off to porn and sexy photos online of AI, models, porn stars and celebrities instead of being with the woman they are actually with is pathetic and heartbreaking as like other addictions it is has the capacity to destroy relationships and families. It is truly hard on the heart and self esteem. Such a selfish and disrespectful and disturbing action to do which may have began to relieve stress one can become a real beast of addiction and gut and heart wrenching along with challenging the self worth and sexual needs on so many for the other, their woman , whom is committed to be their lover. Yes, how would they feel if the tables turned? So sad . So hurtful. So destructive on so many levels for all that are in involved.
Wow! Here I thought I was alone. My husband and I have been together 2 1/2 years and in the beginning things were great. Not too even bring up the sex but he made me feel loved in every way. Sex was good but then after he became sober he changed. He told me he wasn’t a sexual person but now he self pleasures himself all the time. I’m very sexual and take great care of my man but after awhile I started to notice he didn’t want to have sex with me. I caught him going onto swinger sites etc. I became enraged and a little crazy and started to spy a bit. Now I know for a fact he hasn’t physically cheated but emotional betrayal is still the same thing and very hurtful. I started thinking I was unloved, unwanted and that I was pathetic for wanting to have sex with my husband. The only time he wanted anything sexual which is I used my hand or mouth on him. I had no problem with that but I have needs too. Then I noticed he had to have porn on in order to do any of that with me and I would fall asleep and he would do it alone laying right next to me and because of the cameras I saw him. I don’t get it. He then makes exscuses that he has ED and PE so I get him meds but he uses those for masturbation. When I say anything he flips everything and gets defensive. I love him more than anything and I have no clue how and what to do!!!! Please help. Tired of thinking I’m doing something wrong and I’m not enough. I know I am
Thank you responding, Maria. You nailed it! I appreciate the time you spent to elaborate on such a one sided comment that shows a lot of bitterness towards their partner being the justification for a toxic habit of preferring to jack off online which is actually can be deemed to be an addiction as it has been medically studied and has been shown to be detrimental to the brain, ruin relationships, families and the addict’s life in itself.
u nailed it 100 per cent
First of all John Doe lmao you was brought into this world from a man and a women have some respect you wouldn’t be here had it not been for your mother smfh a man can have the most beautiful women in the world but if he has an addiction to porn then he has an addiction and needs help don’t blame us women your probably one of those men sitting on your chair masterbating because you can’t get a women lmao so fall back buddy because a men is nothing without a women 💪🏼💯
Facts very well said🙌🏼
Wow you clearly do not know the psychology behind why you and many other men masturbate.
Instead you use toxic words to make women feel humiliated for opening up.
That’s horrible
Shows your true character
Miranda, well said
John, you're a real d**k!!!!
John is so pathetic all he has is his hands so he wouldn't know about this subject, seems he is so bad that all he is gotten in life is "nagging women" I wonder if you John! YOU are so bad that u make anyone become a nagger and now u wanna hide behind "Oh women lost power" if u think u got power by using your hands instead of making a woman wanna be with you then that's your problem right there! Oh John poor ol John
Thanks Maria. I have been with my husband a total of 25 years. I get marriage is hard, but this is NOT what I was dreaming of as a relationship with my future husband. I am hurt because of the lying, and the gas lighting. I have pointed out ALL of his "tricks" so he switches them up. The hidden crap is what hurts the worst. Stains and tissues dropped. Washing up trying to say he didn't get "clean from sez we had the day before. After showers and new clothes. I tried every single way of broching the conversation. I will admit the first time I DID NOT handle it well. I flipped in him. I was so hurt! I know this hasn't happened the whole time we've been together. He used to cheat "to get even" all the time. I've always tried to be whatever he wants in bed. I guess he's over it all or whatever. I seriously thought it was all me, until reading your post. I am just at that crossing in life that I am lost as to what to do. Separate rooms, like he suggested. Since he doesn't know he's keeping me up every single night with it. He says he wants me to be in bed with him, but makes sure I get up in the middle of the night so he can be alone. I am so exhausted from no sleep. I am not longer the weakling he needed to rescue, so why deal with me anymore, I guess. I LOVE him SO MUCH! I want to to fight for our relationship, but I refuse to sleep in separate beds or rooms and call him my husband. Or let's just say it divorce would be the play after that. I signed up for better or worse, sickness and health. He's kept up his end, so I feel like I have to as well. But to what degree do I live in hell for so long. To feel that he doesn't care that I am right next to him saying that he's not awake. Sleep watching over the shoulder amd not moving utill the coast is clear, so he thinks, but knows that I know. Don't say the crap that ypu didn't know you were dead asleep. Keep ypur lies straight and I might not catch on. But he's NOT ever going to change now. I guess I'll still go see a counselor and try to figure out what's wrong with me. I don't know what to do just yet. But that John guy sure knows how to make it hurt more. Oh well. Wish me luck
🤣🤣
My spouse does it so much. Leave the mess for me to clean. Disgusting. Been married for 13 years now. Most recently after sex that I was forced into- as if I’m not enough. I was less then 10 feet away from him!! Staring at his phone too. It’s to the point I want NO physical contact with him at all let alone sleep in the same bed. Am I crazy? What should I do?
I am only 1 year into a marrige with him and I feel like I have to beg for sex sometimes. I wonder what will be 5 years into the future. Talked to him many times about how I feel and every single time he makes it like it’s not a big deal or he comes up with some sort of excuse like he’s tired, stressed or something else. I feel like a man sometimes in my marrige always having to initiate it first. I’m sick of it really. I am also a human being and a woman who was her own rights and needs. It baffels me that he says no to me almost every day but then does to masturbate even on our vacations! I’m 26y old and he is 31y we don’t have kids yet so I feel like we should dedicate more time to ourselves and it should not be a problem to have sex twice three times a week. I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m really hurt by his behaviour.