Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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One of the most genuine pleasures in a romantic relationship is sex. Let’s not beat around the bush – sex is fun. It makes you feel good, and in a loving relationship brings you closer and deepens the intimacy.
But what if you find out along the way that your husband actually prefers his hand over you when it comes to sexual pleasure?
It’s generally accepted that all people will masturbate at some point in their lives. There shouldn’t be any shame in that.
However, when you’re in a committed relationship it’s also generally assumed that there’s no longer a reason for masturbation to occur.
Why use your hand when you can have the real thing?
This is a question asked by many women when they find out that their husband prefers his own hand over them.
Although it’s not discussed in polite company, most people at some point have engaged in self-love.
Puberty is probably the most obvious time of life for this to occur, and boys are perhaps more prone to masturbate than girls (or at least more frequently).
But if you were to ask any man whether he’d rather have sex with a woman or be left to his own devices we all think we know what the answer would be. However, more recently porn and his hand is increasingly becoming the preferred choice, especially among younger men.
Which makes it’s even more confusing for women when their partners opt to use their own hand rather than have sex with them.
There are, however, reasons this can happen – some more concerning than others.
Among them are:
There’s a common perception that men want sex all the time and women rarely want it at all. While there can be differing levels of libido between the genders, especially if there are pregnancies or children involved, there’s more myth than reality to this belief.
That said, if your husband masturbates regularly, he may very well think that he’s doing you a favor by not bothering you.
And if you’ve given him reason to think that you’re not interested in him sexually he may also believe it’s a better solution than cheating for sex or having an affair.
Even the closest of couples can have a hard time discussing their sexual desires.
There may be things that turn him on that he thinks you’ll find repulsive. And maybe there are.
Of course, without building trust and healthy communication that encourages true intimacy, how would you know?
You know what doesn’t care about what he fantasizes about though?
His hand.
By masturbating he can imagine, or more likely watch the porn that depicts, the things he finds a turn on without any fear of judgement or rejection.
Sometimes it’s just habit.
His hand is there with him all the time – in the shower, the bathroom, late at night when you’re asleep.
It may not even occur to him that it would ever bother you. It’s something he’s done since he was a teen, so why stop?
Ladies, we all know that when it comes to sex there are things we like and ways we like it.
We also know that the man in our lives may need some coaching along the way to really get it.
Guess what?
He might just feel the same way.
As much as it may seem that sex for a man is pretty straight forward, it’s really not.
There are nuances and it’s possible that he may get a certain amount of pleasure from controlling his own experience.
It’s equally possible that he may feel too shy or uncomfortable to tell you what he likes and therefore figures he’ll just do it himself.
These, however, are not the only reasons your husband may prefer his hand over you.
The most concerning reason your husband may prefer his hand over you has to do with porn and porn addiction. And, sadly, this is possibly the most common reason women find their husbands masturbating rather than coming to them for sex.
Porn is easy to find and for many guys just seems like a normal guy thing to do. But it’s hard to watch porn without masturbating.
I mean really, what other reason is there for watching porn at all? It’s certainly not for the creative lighting or cinematography.
So, when a man routinely watches porn he also routinely masturbates. Of course, he may come to you for sex after watching porn, but that brings up a whole other set of issues.
Either way, it becomes a vicious cycle very often leading to porn addiction and bigger problems in the relationship.
Does all of this mean that your husband’s a sex addict and your sex life is a lost cause?
Not at all.
It does mean, however, that there’s some work to do.
If you’ve never discussed it with him it’s quite possible he has no idea that it bothers you when he masturbates.
It’s also possible he has no idea you know he masturbates, or least know how frequently he does it.
Which makes it the first thing you need to do is to find a way to talk to him about it.
Sounds kind of awful, doesn’t it?
I mean how does that conversation start?
It’s not really a bring-it-up-over-coffee kind of topic.
But bring it up you must (no pun intended).
Every couple and situation are different but consider these 5 tips for making things go more smoothly.
A topic like this needs some space and time to occur. Right before dinner when the kids are clamoring about being hungry isn’t a good choice. Instead make sure you have a span of time that isn’t likely to be interrupted and that you’re in a private spot comfortable for you both.
Be clear on this in your mind before you start the conversation.
Is your point that his behavior makes you feel unloved or unwanted?
Or,
Is it that you’d like to have more sex in your relationship and would like the energy he spends masturbating to be spent on you?
Maybe it’s both.
But if you lose sight of the reason you’re having the conversation things could easily turn confrontational and result in both of you feeling hurt, guilty, and even further disconnected from one another.
This is a sensitive topic and just the idea of talking about it will likely make your husband uncomfortable and skittish. So, understand that your approach will set the tone and so be careful.
The message from this discussion can be taken a couple of ways.
He may hear it as,
I want you to stop, I think it’s disgusting, don’t do this anymore.”
Or it might be,
I love you, I want to be closer to you, and you turning to your hand rather than me makes me feel like you don’t want me.”
While both messages may be true, which of these do you think will be better received and more likely to garner the response you’re hoping for?
It’s important to be careful about the words you chose and the message you’re trying to send.
We all want to feel wanted – however, men are particularly sensitive and responsive to being sexually desired. If he feels like your issue with his hand is because you want him and want him to want you, things are likely to go more smoothly.
If even with these tips you’re still finding that nothing is changing you may need additional help.
Dr. Kurt has worked with many couples dealing with this situation, and it can be a complicated problem to solve.
This is a topic where it's very easy for the sexes to misunderstand each other. Most women see this as a simple choice - he can either choose to have sex with his hand or have sex with me. A lot of men don't even see it as a choice, let alone as one option or the other. The reality is the majority of men masturbate, regularly, and do so regardless of whether or not they're having sex with their partner. A lot of guys have told me they use masturbation as a stress reliever – similar to having a beer after work. These differing viewpoints between women and men on this subject can make it very polarizing. There is truth on both sides, so trying to be understanding of each other is the first place to start."
When a woman says, “My husband prefers his hand over me,” what she’s also saying is that,
If you’re a woman in this situation, or even the man putting her there, know that things need to change in order for your relationship to be balanced and healthy.
Remember:
His masturbation may not have anything to do with how he feels about you and your attractiveness.
Sex, especially in a marriage, should not only be fun, it should also be shared and bring you closer together. If you think your husband prefers his hand over you, know that you’re not crazy for wanting things to be different.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on July 15, 2021 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
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a couple of months back, my partner of 15 yrs+ seemed to maybe have bought a vibe, i say this beacause that night i heard a vibe whirring as it landed on the bed. im sure she masturbates starting after her uptake of HRT for menopause. obviously i treid to challenge her politely that didnt go well . anyway if im right im more than happy t listen to her very quietly enjoing herself finding a huge turn on. we stopped having sex 3+ yrs ago recenetly she said no more sex ever.. thats very nearly was divorce.. we worked through it, now her enjoying herself has started me doing the same twice now laid on my back plaiyng with myself. she says i wake her , im sure shes awake. eventually she puts her hand so gently on my should or side i dont know when she did it. next moring shes been a little hurt unsure but nothing said . what i do is not out of spite, i love her madly and do not want to hurt her, but find the whole thing quite irresitable. the last time im sure she started her vibe(?) for another round almost as soon as i stopped .. curiously i feel quite out of sorts over this despite being very anxious about sex etc found it so enjoyable i want us both to this every night.the bed feels like shes being very subtle in her movements until near her ending . ive studied the room for clues possible vibe noise she "doesnt have" i really welcome any thoughts or comments from either sex,
My wife is always tired, and she never initiates sex so it makes me feel unwanted and I turn to porn so I don't have to bother her. She is always tired and it always seem like a bother when I ask
I think masturbation is a silly waste of time, but I think for some or even many men, there is an easy answer to the article question. A husband might prefer his hand over you, because his hand has never: belittled him, nagged him, criticized him endlessly, compared him unfavorably to others, never let him speak, interrupted him constantly, bored him to death, torn down your children over little mistakes they make all the time, played the martyr card when you haven't worked a full time job during your entire marriage and you have a cleaning woman and order food out all the time, played the role of "corrector" because all you see are things people aren't exactly doing how you want, and so on, and so on. Come to think of it, my hand is looking better by the second. I've never heard of a hand that was a gaslighting narcissist that always needs to be right even if it needs to lie or just confuse in order to be so.
After several rejection men don't ask anymore and do it on their own instead of going through it the pain of rejection, and all the feeling it involves.
12 years sexless marriage, constant rejection abs even shame me when I masturbate, I should have divorce after months, because the worse came later, abandoned during cancer etc
Most men need variety. Something modern feminist society can't provide for a man bc relationships are based on what women's preference are aka Serial monogamy. But men are polygnyous. So erotic photos or the extreme, porn, offers men the option of variety. Men know women will hate him, judge him, accuse him and will never try understand male sexuality. So it's easier to just masturbate and not talk about it bc the woman will play victim when really the man is suffering and may need more than one woman. Sometimes the man doesn't want to go through all the work, bells and whistles or complicated process to make women cum, even women struggle to make themselves cum. But men are simple and easy. Maybe sometimes just please him since it's easy and can only take seconds. This will lead a trail back to sex. But if you're a bitter uncompassionate wife or girlfriend, you're only pushing him further away by acting that way.
Exactly Kal.
99% of women can never understand this fact about men.
We are filled full of testosterone that makes us novelty seeking and risk seeking.
That is behind all human progress.
We love watching group sex and other riskee sexual activities. Women force us to conform to their sexual world view. Few want to try swinging or threesomes etc.
Surveys have shown that almost 70% of men find their wives sexually unadventurous whereas only 11% of women find the same about their husbands.
Given this difference, men easily slip into using porn as one of the only outlets for their real desires. If we had wives who would indulge us even just occasionally with novelty then maybe we wouldn’t use porn us much?
Lastly, most of us watch porn to actually protect our wives from our real desires. We know what their reactions will be, so we just figure it’s better just to indulge ourselves privately.