Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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A lot of women want to (or feel like they have to) be okay with their partner viewing porn. Yet these same women struggle with the true feelings they have and what to do about it. A common feeling experienced by many women about porn is that it feels like betrayal.
Porn can be a confusing topic. On one hand it seems fairly common and something all guys like, which gives it a weird kind of normalcy. On the other hand, porn can feel disrespectful, repulsive, insulting, or many other things.
And it's not at all uncommon for many women to feel this way.
But why would watching porn feel like betrayal?
Many women struggle in secret with their feelings and have no idea that there are thousands and thousands of other women just like them in the same situation. They wrestle with the same feelings of betrayal about porn too and wonder why images on a screen can make them feel this way.
Talking about porn is just not what people do, men or women.
It’s typically a very uncomfortable and embarrassing subject. Many women feel pressure to accept it because they think it’s necessary for their partner to be happy. So, they struggle with it in secret.
Here's what it looks like for one of these women dealing with porn in her marriage:
Porn seems to be a common problem between men and women. I am currently re-married and have had the same porn issues with both men. My current husband doesn't look at it as frequently as the first, so for that I'm thankful. However, I have told him from the beginning of our relationship how porn makes me feel. He agreed that it was disgusting and couldn't believe my ex would do such a thing when having such a beautiful woman by his side. Since then, my current husband has been and continues to look at porn. He's admitting he has an addiction and that he has suffered from it since he was 16. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I wish I didn't mind him looking at porn, but it's so hurtful to me. He says it's a way for him to get an easy off and that it has nothing to do with our relationship, but I don't believe it. Please help me shed some light on the situation. Right now, I'm fed up and ready to leave. He wants to work things out, which is a road that has been traveled multiple times." -Wendy
The feelings that porn can trigger in a person can vary. And those that arise from the conflict it causes between women and men vary as well. But there are a number of common themes.
It’s not uncommon for women to feel,
when their partner watches porn.
They can also feel,
And feel,
Having lots of unanswered questions is pretty typical as well.
In other words, porn can take away a woman’s feeling of safety and security within her relationship, and make her feel like her husband is more desirous of what’s on the screen than her.
And although all of those feelings are typical, there's one other that women can struggle with the most –
The feeling that porn is a betrayal is one of the most confusing feelings of them all. Alyssa’s story below is a good illustration of that.
My husband and I have been married just 10 months. Three months into our marriage I started noticing he wasn't as interested in having sex with me. He said it was because he was tired or stressed, always coming up with an excuse. I figured out not long after that he was watching internet porn quite frequently. I was devastated and worse he denied it repeatedly. He said he would stop but didn't and I begged him to go to counseling. When he refused I went by myself to a Christian counselor who was very helpful. Through her help I felt like we were getting better and stronger. We were more intimate and he had stopped watching porn, so I thought. Last week I found more and although we are doing better I'm still so hurt and feel betrayed. I feel like he is cheating on me and lying about it. I'm considering giving him an ultimatum of either he goes to counseling for his porn addiction or he leaves. Please, any advice would be much appreciated." -Alyssa
Although men will tell you porn isn’t cheating, watching other women in a sexual way can certainly feel like it – just ask any woman.
Most women want to feel they’re the only ones who can elicit a sexual response from their husband, and that their husband doesn’t want to be with anyone but them.
Bringing porn into your relationship can feel like this intimate connection has been broken or shared with other people.
There are a number of reasons why a woman may feel betrayed by porn.
Here are just 3 of them.
Most men will argue that they have no intent to betray their partner when they look at porn, but unfortunately intention doesn't change the impact. Just based on what it is and what it does, porn is a form of betrayal and most likely will make your partner feel that way. There's just no way around this fact.
Another danger with porn is what it can lead to next.
These are just a few possibilities that can change the interaction with an image to an interaction with a real person.
Most porn viewers will tell you there’s no way this would happen. But it’s a slippery slope and porn creates an insatiable desire for more and more.
A lot of porn sites link to and have pop-up ads for these other options, so taking that next step is pretty easy, and repeated exposure to these temptations can be difficult for many men to resist.
Women whose partners have taken these next steps feel even more betrayed by porn because porn can be a gateway to more interactive cheating.
When the trust in a relationship is broken through repeated betrayals with porn, the relationship is no longer healthy. In this state it can be even more difficult for partners to talk about the subject
Sex in general is a tough subject to have an honest conversation about. When it comes to porn it can feel impossible. Add to that the emotional and vulnerable state of a relationship when one partner feels betrayed, and it can be extremely difficult for partners to talk about the subject or know how to fix things.
If you’ve gotten to this point you may need the help of a qualified counselor in order to move forward. Having the assistance of an experienced, professional counselor with knowledge about porn can make all the difference.
If your partner is watching porn and you’re uncomfortable with it and feeling betrayed, you’re not alone. Although these feelings can be confusing and isolating, they’re common and can be dealt with.
As you’re trying to put your feelings into perspective, keep the following in mind:
Why does porn feel like betrayal?
The reasons above are some of the biggest reasons why. We all want to be the desire of our partner and when that desire is being directed elsewhere its natural to feel betrayed.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 12, 2019. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
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I have been in a relationship for 10 years now. We once had a fight about him watching porn, how it made me feel like I wasn't good enough en because it felt like betrayal to me. He promised never to hurt me like that anymore, and would stop watching porn (he said I was the only one for him and "he didn't like the look of the girls in the porn". Yeah right). Because of his earlier porn watching I got so many body complexes, I spend a lot of money on plastic surgery for big breasts, botox, lip fillers, etc... And I regret all of them. But I thought (hoped) it would keep our relationship safe and his love and lust aimed at me.
Last week while I was preparing his mealpreps for work, I caught him jerking off to porn again in our bedroom. I feel like I died that moment. Half an hour later we would have gone to a restaurant to plan the menu for our wedding, we are to be wed in about 3 months. I cancelled the appointment.
I don't feel like I want to wed this person that would break an important promise and hurt me so much. I yelled at him that I was right there with him, and he could have taken me to the bedroom instead of his phone. Why couldn't he have done that?
I wake up early every morning to do my morning cardio, in the evening I lift weights. I try to keep beautiful and in shape for him, and available whenever he wants. And still he prefered his porn.
I am so tired of this world where women are forced to do the impossible: make a carreer, be a good housewife, stay in shape, look young and beautiful. And even then you are cast aside for porn.
It's crazy how a man's lies and betrayal toward women can be minimalised and normalised, when you see the enormous effects it has on us.
Ladies it has nothing to do with you! It's not your fault. These guys have problems. Look at all the beautiful celebrities that are cheated on. Men are all man-children. They want to look at surgically and digitally enhanced teenagers, then expect us to look at their overweight, saggy, old bald selves and be satisfied. "But all men do it!" Which is just code for "I am really a scared child inside that can't handle a real relationship with real problems and issues" I am a 6 foot blonde woman with large breasts and I keep slim. I am not bragging at all, I am just letting you know that my ass of a soon to be ex watched porn even when I was still young. I used to catch him checking out any blonde woman. Men are NEVER satisfied. I am so much better looking than my soon to be ex, he is fat and has a small penis and is going bald. But he needs to get off on other woman? Does he think I like the way he looks??? The last straw for me was when he befriended porn pages on social media and started liking other women's pictures. Screw you old man, I still get hit on by guys that look way better than you. And I am getting me some.....! have your digital women you pathetic knuckle dragging freaks, we woman can get the real thing and replace every last one of you. You are so pathetic you have to look at pictures. How sad is that?? I'm getting me a real flesh and blood man.
Wow you are a stupid piece of s#*t and you sound like an incel. First of all, for you to make stupid generalizations about how the women who complain about their men watching porn are "insecure" and "hypocrites who watch Magic Mike" is utterly stupid. A woman having a problem with her man being sexually aroused by another women doesn't make her insecure when the piece of s#*t man jacking off to another woman is giving her a good reason to feel insecure you colossal moron!!! A woman can be very secure with herself but if her man is pleasing himself to another woman then it can make her feel insecure because he is being sexually stimulated by someone else, because being sexually stimulated by someone else is still cheating whether you are stimulating yourself to someone on television or in person. YOU ARE STILL BEING SEXUALLY STIMULATED BY SOMEONE ELSE YOU IDIOT AND IT DOES NOT MATTER IF THE PERSON AROUSING YOU IS ON THE SCREEN. HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND???? Let's use your stupid logic about how since we don't "own his body" then we have no right to tell him what to do with it. Well, men don't "own women's bodies" so they have no right to expect women to be pornographic sluts for men's pure sexual gratification. When you enter into a true loving relationship with someone, you are not trying to control that person's body, but you put your trust in them to be faithful to you and when someone breaks that trust by sexually stimulating themselves with other people then that's why the person who trusted their partner is hurt and feels betrayed. Alas, a moron like you devoid of any capability of loving anyone will never understand. So since you don't and can't understand what love is then I suggest that you STFU.
Most men today aren't worth s#*t. I'm tired of them and I'm going to stay by myself. When I told my boyfriend how I don't like him watching porn, this sack of dog s#*t told me "Men watch porn so get used to it. Men watch porn as a hobby. The purpose of watching porn is so you can indulge in the fantasy of wanting to be with someone else without actually being with someone else". I'm really burnt out with relationships and I'm tired of meeting worthless man after worthless man.... I give up.
I am dating a man addicted to porn. I am realizing that I am putting much more energy into making him happy to keep him interested in me. YES, We women are COMPETiNG against the sex kittens on screen that never age, are beautiful and have perfect bodies. They never have daily problems or stress and are contatantly available. This causes anxiety and stress and feeelings of inadequacy in me and I know that his feelings for me wont get into a deeper level. He can break a time commitment easily with me because I don’t matter.
In my bf's phone I found pictures of naked girl (his ex's) in his phone. I'll admit I've had some insecurities about being cheated on so I had asked him if he had anything in his phone that should not be there, albeit I know that someone who does would of course say no. He of course responded no so I took that as him being truthful yet his behaviour always seemed questionable. He was uncomfortable with me having a phone because he didn't like that I had a male friend I was close with but we've known each other for 15 years (since 3rd grade). He said it bothered him & so I accomadated my life to make him feel more secure in our relationship. When I would use his phone (either to make calls or even take a pic) he would hover close & ask what i needed his phone for then open up the app I needed. I was looking for a pic that i wanted to print when I saw those pics. I was hurt so I confronted him then he proceeded to make me feel as though me being hurt was out of place & I admitted to having gone thru his phone after seeing those pics. I found videos saved of so much porn & pics that he said he didn't know were on his phone. I explained how it made me feel insecure & how I felt I wasn't enough to which he said he would stop. I just recently found out he was watching porn again & when I asked him why he would do that knowing how I felt he just brushed me off. I've done my best to satisfy him yet he say's his needs aren't being met & when I ask if there's anything he would like try (anything new) that I'm open to exploring he say's I'm being too raunchy. I told him how he would feel if I had been watching porn (knowing how he felt about his own insecurities) & he responded I don't care. I don't know what to do now, I'm at a loss of trying to figure out what to do next. Am I just overreacting & my feelings of being hurt are out of place? Should I be okay with him watching porn?
Hi Char, Your concerns about your boyfriend watching porn are valid. Porn can cause many personal problems for men and very serious problems in relationships. I recommend you check out some additional articles on our site regarding porn and porn addiction. They may help guide you in having conversations with your boyfriend. He needs to respect you and your concerns. You don't need to pretend to be okay with his porn habit if you're not. -Dr. Kurt