Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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A lot of women want to (or feel like they have to) be okay with their partner viewing porn. Yet these same women struggle with the true feelings they have and what to do about it. A common feeling experienced by many women about porn is that it feels like betrayal.
Porn can be a confusing topic. On one hand it seems fairly common and something all guys like, which gives it a weird kind of normalcy. On the other hand, porn can feel disrespectful, repulsive, insulting, or many other things.
And it's not at all uncommon for many women to feel this way.
But why would watching porn feel like betrayal?
Many women struggle in secret with their feelings and have no idea that there are thousands and thousands of other women just like them in the same situation. They wrestle with the same feelings of betrayal about porn too and wonder why images on a screen can make them feel this way.
Talking about porn is just not what people do, men or women.
It’s typically a very uncomfortable and embarrassing subject. Many women feel pressure to accept it because they think it’s necessary for their partner to be happy. So, they struggle with it in secret.
Here's what it looks like for one of these women dealing with porn in her marriage:
Porn seems to be a common problem between men and women. I am currently re-married and have had the same porn issues with both men. My current husband doesn't look at it as frequently as the first, so for that I'm thankful. However, I have told him from the beginning of our relationship how porn makes me feel. He agreed that it was disgusting and couldn't believe my ex would do such a thing when having such a beautiful woman by his side. Since then, my current husband has been and continues to look at porn. He's admitting he has an addiction and that he has suffered from it since he was 16. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I wish I didn't mind him looking at porn, but it's so hurtful to me. He says it's a way for him to get an easy off and that it has nothing to do with our relationship, but I don't believe it. Please help me shed some light on the situation. Right now, I'm fed up and ready to leave. He wants to work things out, which is a road that has been traveled multiple times." -Wendy
The feelings that porn can trigger in a person can vary. And those that arise from the conflict it causes between women and men vary as well. But there are a number of common themes.
It’s not uncommon for women to feel,
when their partner watches porn.
They can also feel,
And feel,
Having lots of unanswered questions is pretty typical as well.
In other words, porn can take away a woman’s feeling of safety and security within her relationship, and make her feel like her husband is more desirous of what’s on the screen than her.
And although all of those feelings are typical, there's one other that women can struggle with the most –
The feeling that porn is a betrayal is one of the most confusing feelings of them all. Alyssa’s story below is a good illustration of that.
My husband and I have been married just 10 months. Three months into our marriage I started noticing he wasn't as interested in having sex with me. He said it was because he was tired or stressed, always coming up with an excuse. I figured out not long after that he was watching internet porn quite frequently. I was devastated and worse he denied it repeatedly. He said he would stop but didn't and I begged him to go to counseling. When he refused I went by myself to a Christian counselor who was very helpful. Through her help I felt like we were getting better and stronger. We were more intimate and he had stopped watching porn, so I thought. Last week I found more and although we are doing better I'm still so hurt and feel betrayed. I feel like he is cheating on me and lying about it. I'm considering giving him an ultimatum of either he goes to counseling for his porn addiction or he leaves. Please, any advice would be much appreciated." -Alyssa
Although men will tell you porn isn’t cheating, watching other women in a sexual way can certainly feel like it – just ask any woman.
Most women want to feel they’re the only ones who can elicit a sexual response from their husband, and that their husband doesn’t want to be with anyone but them.
Bringing porn into your relationship can feel like this intimate connection has been broken or shared with other people.
There are a number of reasons why a woman may feel betrayed by porn.
Here are just 3 of them.
Most men will argue that they have no intent to betray their partner when they look at porn, but unfortunately intention doesn't change the impact. Just based on what it is and what it does, porn is a form of betrayal and most likely will make your partner feel that way. There's just no way around this fact.
Another danger with porn is what it can lead to next.
These are just a few possibilities that can change the interaction with an image to an interaction with a real person.
Most porn viewers will tell you there’s no way this would happen. But it’s a slippery slope and porn creates an insatiable desire for more and more.
A lot of porn sites link to and have pop-up ads for these other options, so taking that next step is pretty easy, and repeated exposure to these temptations can be difficult for many men to resist.
Women whose partners have taken these next steps feel even more betrayed by porn because porn can be a gateway to more interactive cheating.
When the trust in a relationship is broken through repeated betrayals with porn, the relationship is no longer healthy. In this state it can be even more difficult for partners to talk about the subject
Sex in general is a tough subject to have an honest conversation about. When it comes to porn it can feel impossible. Add to that the emotional and vulnerable state of a relationship when one partner feels betrayed, and it can be extremely difficult for partners to talk about the subject or know how to fix things.
If you’ve gotten to this point you may need the help of a qualified counselor in order to move forward. Having the assistance of an experienced, professional counselor with knowledge about porn can make all the difference.
If your partner is watching porn and you’re uncomfortable with it and feeling betrayed, you’re not alone. Although these feelings can be confusing and isolating, they’re common and can be dealt with.
As you’re trying to put your feelings into perspective, keep the following in mind:
Why does porn feel like betrayal?
The reasons above are some of the biggest reasons why. We all want to be the desire of our partner and when that desire is being directed elsewhere its natural to feel betrayed.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 12, 2019. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
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This is so sad. My husband watches porn a lot I find a lot of it on his pc and his phone too. Makes me so insecure I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia all my life always think I’m fat and ugly despite many men being interested in me etc..he gets jealous when men check me out but doesn’t care about watching this filth. I’ve seen it all.. big girls, teens, milfs, grannies he watches the lot! I’m 35 but I look much younger so I’m told, I can’t see why he doesn’t want me or find me attractive..?? It’s weird. I know he has a thing for blondes (he’s Middle Eastern) and I’m a natural brunette... dyed it blonde for years till it started breaking just to please him, I keep slim and use lots of anti ageing procedures etc.. he says he loves me and only me but how can he when other women get him off ?? I’m so so upset.
That's absolutely correct. I'm slowly realized he is a lying piece of sh*t. I'm not only 20 years younger lost 35 pounds this year I'm now slim I have boob implants I had before we met. toning up and been told alot I resemble Gwen Stefani, And yes he watches porn almost every dam day. Doesn't matter how the wife looks men are sh*t.
Hi. So here's my situation. I am currently 8months pregnant and because of my hormones I have a low sex drive now that I am pregnant. Do we have sex? Yes, but not as often as pre pregnancy. I've talked to my husband about how I feel about him watching porn. Keep in mind this is my second marriage and my first husband was a sex addict which lead to our divorce. He would watch porn right in front of me or after he thought I'd fallen asleep. His addiction lead to him sleeping with other woman and as I stated our divorce. Now back to my current marriage. I've told my husband these things and how it makes me feel. He watches it in secret and pretends like he doesn't. I found out he was watching it because his iphone accidently connected to my car and the carplay popped up on my screen. He basically stated he feels neglected because I don't have sex with him so he watches the porn. Why does it hurt so much? How can I get him to understand my feelings?
Belle, In addition to the reasons discussed in this article, it also hurts so much because he's disrespecting and being dishonest to you. Improving how you communicate and respect each other as a couple would help in getting him to understand your feelings. -Dr. Kurt
I admit – ashamedly – to watching porn occasionally. By that I mean – honestly – no more than an hour per week – because I’m too busy with work and other stuff. I don’t enjoy watching it, but as a man to whom no woman could ever be sexually attracted, there is no point in trying to find a woman to have a genuine relationship with. She doesn’t exist, so it will never happen. I’m 43 and haven’t been hugged – even once – in 12 years – and I have never been on a date, never had sex and never kissed a woman. I work out 3-4x per week, take care of myself and climb waterfalls as a hobby. I have a great well-paying job in a respected profession and own several properties debt-free. I mention these things in case someone thinks I’m some slob living in my parents’ basement. Nope. Whatever other guys have that attracts women to them sexually I do not have. The sensations I feel watching porn are entirely artificial but they are the closest I will ever be to experiencing actual intimacy myself because no woman could ever want me for me because I am fundamentally unattractive.
Paul, Your negative self-identity jumps off the screen at me so much more so than your non-existent romantic and sex life. And it sounds completely contradictory to how you describe your life. You'd benefit from working on aligning those two better, whether that improves your sex life or not. However, no one is attracted to someone who views themselves so negatively. I hope you'll do something to change that. -Dr. Kurt
Beyond heart broken at this point. I was forced to watch porn when I was 17 & in my first serious relationship. From there it led to mental & physical abuse. Porn has actually traumatized me for over30 yrs. My boyfriend knew my struggles with sex & why I can't do certain things. I have come a long way until I found he was watching porn on my phone no less. I was taken right back to that awful time & I felt so betrayed. He promised he wouldn't watch it again but he continued to do so & he does not get why I can't fully trust him anymore let alone be comfortable fully giving him myself when it comes to our sex life. I changed so much for him & I thought I was going to be OK. Not so sure.
Leave! He is probably sick. I was raped at 17 and molested for months made to think he was helping me. By my step father. Terrible s**t my husband watched me go through hell. He tells me a few days ago the past 4 years (about) not only has he been going through times watching porn but he’s checked out 90 percent of women including our wedding coordinator he sees and pictures the hot ones with big boobs naked while in conversation with them has found several woman at work. A place he can’t stop going… Likes blondes and Dominican / off white woman especially. I’m Irish pale white with brown hair and small boobs. I don’t think I can take this. But my advice had k known I’d been here now 1 child and pregnant with another… I’d have run. Now I don’t know what to do all I do is cry all day I’m 27 and feel he stole my chance at simple happiness. I don’t know what to do why do people stay????