Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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When it comes to abusive partners it seems like men get all the focus and blame. This is largely because men are usually more obvious with their abuse, such as becoming physically or verbally abusive.
But what about women?
Abusive women are more common than people might think, and they’re also harder to recognize.
When a woman becomes abusive its generally in subtler, less flagrant ways than men, making it more difficult to spot. Abuse by women is often hidden and typically doesn't leave obvious wounds like a black eye.
Not only do women abuse in less obvious ways, but the men they abuse are also typically very reluctant to admit to anyone (including themselves) that they’re being abused.
Being abused by a woman can be emasculating and embarrassing. And since many men view themselves (or want to) as the dominant one in the relationship, it doesn’t seem like it should even be possible.
Because of this most men never tell anyone about the abuse and go to great lengths to hide it.
However, if you’re a man in a relationship with an abusive woman you’re far from alone.
Abuse by a woman can be sneaky and chalked up to “just the way women are” or a woman being “fickle.”
But no matter how it’s explained, abuse is abuse, regardless of who’s doing it – even if it’s a woman.
So, what do abusive women really look like in real life?
Here are 7 common abusive behaviors practiced by women, along with descriptions from real life partners.
While a man can also use these tactics, women more often utilize them to hurt those they're supposed to love. A couple of these behaviors are also far more prevalent in women.
We all can yell from time to time, but a woman who's abusive does it regularly, and often without a clear reason.
One of the things that can make a relationship especially abusive is the constant uncertainty created by explosive and unpredictable behavior. Obviously, this behavior is not exclusive to just women.
I believe my wife is regularly emotionally abusive towards me. When she yells and puts me down and says mean things I get upset and say mean things back to her. How do I not react when she pushes my buttons with her abuse?" -Adam
Being demanding isn't just about having unrealistic or unfair expectations, it’s also be about being selfish.
A guy I'm counseling has an abusive wife who's very demanding of him. Her behavior ranges from expecting him to get her water when she wants it, to putting her gym bag in the car, to taking care of her horses daily. You name it –she demands it.
In such cases there are often repercussions if the woman’s demands aren’t met.
She may get angry, call him names, pout, give him the cold shoulder, or withhold sex. Whatever the response, its purpose is to condition and train him to do what she wants when she wants it.
This is one that can be hard to spot and is often something you feel more than you see.
Controlling behavior can look like,
The motivation is her need to have power and be in control.
Some partners even monitor their spouse’s social media or track their location through apps.
I’ve been researching emotional abuse, and I think I'm heading down that path to being emotionally abusive to my husband. One example is I'm pretty controlling if he wants to go to a party or event and his ex girlfriend is there I guilt him into not going and I get jealous way to easy. I have been cheated on in the past and have had bad relationships. I'm letting fear ruin this one. He has never proven to be a Cheater but my mind keeps thinking every guy is. He's such a good man I want to trust him so bad." -Anna
Sadly, it's not uncommon for partners to put each other down and just excuse it as humor.
Abusive women can be very skilled at demeaning their partner in this way. Name calling or put downs are common forms of this type of abuse.
My wife is abusive. As a child she was sexually abused and as a 19 year old she was raped. We have been together since she was 18. She is now 23. We have a one year old daughter. She is always angry and impatient with me and our daughter, referring to our daughter as "little a**hole" or "little turd" and calls her retarded. I get called much worse names however my concern is for our daughter. My wife has voiced to me on many occasion that she wish she hadn’t gotten married so young and that she wished she didn't have a baby. That she wants to feel free that she wants to run away from us because we make her angry, we tie her down. That it isn't fair that she hasn't had a life. As a result I have been abused physically, mentally and emotionally over the passed few years we have been married and my daughter verbally abused and border line physically abused. I feel like I have tried everything but I'm your classic "nice guy". Too afraid to make her angry." -Nate
This one is a relationship killer.
It can seem normal after a fight for partners not to talk for a while, but the silent treatment is much, much more than that and much, much worse.
This is an intentional choice not to communicate with the aim of hurting the other partner and in some cases it can go on for days and even weeks.
My wife is very verbally abusive to me. She says horrible hateful things and has rage issues. She dumps all over me and then will not talk to me for a week. I feel helpless. I refuse to engage because I'm a Christian and to me this behavior is very ungodly." -Bruce
This is another one that can be tricky to spot.
Undermining behavior can be excused away with statements such as, "I didn't hear you" or "I forgot."
It can look accidental, like a simple mistake, but when there's a regular pattern of it it's usually not.
This can lead to gaslighting as well.
“You never told me that” when you actually did, or “I told you about that, you just didn’t listen” when she never did.
Over time you start to doubt yourself and your own sanity.
Abusive women commonly use this one to hurt or punish a man.
While sex should really only happen when both partners are feeling close to each other, willfully withholding sex to exercise power or hurt is wrong and damaging to the connection between partners.
I have been verbally abusive toward my husband and have accused him many times for being unfaithful. Then I won't let him touch me sexually. How can I stop the jealousy? I don't want to be a psycho jealous wife." -Lori
One of the first things you should do is ask for help.
As you can see from the quotes above, and probably already know if you're in a similar situation, dealing with an abusive woman can be overwhelming and seem like there's nothing you can do about it.
One of the effects of being in relationships with abusive women is believing that the abuse is your fault and there's always something you should being doing differently to make it stop.
While it's true you can have an impact on changing things, it's also very important that you don't take on responsibility for your partner's behavior.
The needed change can only happen if they take responsibility.
So, what can you do?
While family and friends have good intentions, only someone with training and experience is really going to be able to effectively help you.
This is hard to know how to do, which is why having a professional help and support you is so important.
If you’re dealing with an abusive woman it’s easy to feel stuck. Especially if you’re like most men and have a hard time admitting you’re being abused by a woman.
But change is possible if you admit it.
I work with men and women every day who get help and learn how to make change happen.
As you can see from the two women quoted earlier, even abusive women can recognize their behavior is bad and want to change it.
Do you know any abusive women? If you've had firsthand experience with a woman who's abusive please share your story with others by leaving a comment below. You can remain anonymous.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 15, 2018, updated on April 26, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
Good relationships are built on mutual respect and trust. Unfortunately, not all relationships are good, and many lack these fundamental elements.
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Wife asked me to move out three weeks ago wanted a seperation says i am verbally abusive, says she's been thinking bout it a while, i feel really dumb cause we go on trips alot and out with friends often so how long could she thought about this, she says i gaslight her, and says im an angry person, she took half our bank account and opened a private account she called the police the day she left and im not sure what about i didnt do anything, she makes much more than i do and im on a disability pay workmans comp and shes refusing to pay her fair% of the bills and even mortgage which she is willing to let go into foreclosure. shes acting very vindictive, wont talk with me only text and only about our all over18 kids or finances, she tells me everyday she should be home and i should have moved out, shes living at her parents for free too, she said even though she earns more i am not seeing any of that because she cant live in her house because of me, she seemed to get madder when i didnt beg and plead her to stay but rather agreed to divorce, now shes acting meaner. she is willing to tank our finances and home. she has taken time off from her job now claiming my abuse made this happen, she always looks for angles to get out of work and take advantage of systems, i really want to move on but she is sabotaging finances and willing to sink herself and the kids just to see me sink too, its very weird she is 49 me 53. Its like she snapped and she is bad mouthing me to mutual friends and parents and my sisters, this women hasnt even talked to her own parents and family in over 8 months now she went running back to them, its all bizzare, i may be an a**hole at times, she was always recording our arguments too which i found weird. i may be an a**hole sometimes and i dont back down in arguments easily, but i only engage as a reaction to jow i am being treated, i can say sorry next day, she holds grudges for weeks with the silent treatment etc, ive been threatened with divorce at least 6 times a year fior the last 20 years and we been married 25, every heated argument is divorce divorce, its bizzzare
I was married 22 years to a horrible abusive narcissist whom I closed my eyes to. She cheated on me while we were dating and then after we were married continued to cheat on me, both emotional affairs and physical affairs. We ended up making a move/life change several years ago and after her last affair things are over. It's difficult to quantify ones thoughts and why I didn't walk away a long time ago. She supported me in the beginning yet at the same time constantly tearing me down. After having kids my concerns have always been about protecting them and trying to give them a stable loving life regardless of the abuse I've suffered over the years. Now in the divorce process, courts don't care about what's in the best interests of children. Only money and if you have a penis or vagina between your legs.
I've been dating a woman that was sexually abused since she was a toddler to age 20 , ..., she is now older and is harassed by that same abuser ( thankfully no more sexual trauma ) ... now its all about reporting that perp creeper as much info to law enforcement ... .even though she broke free of a lot of chains ... just wanted to give a shout out to all those other dudes who decided to Love the not So Easy Women that have been Abused .. , they are worth it and are worthy of empathy and so much Love ... never judge them ever for something they had no control over ... takes a different kind of dude tooooo deal with Hard Love ... I Love this woman so much ..
FengShui, Thank you for sharing your experience and encouraging others. I totally agree with you. It can take patience and an extra level of love because there are 'ghosts in the bedroom' that will need to be worked through by both partners. But it is totally worth the effort. -Dr. Kurt
I feel this.