There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Some people can be pretty loose with their definition of cheating until they’re on the receiving end of it. But if you find out your partner’s been exchanging intimate photos or video’s with someone else, you may suddenly find yourself wanting to know if sexting is cheating.
Most people – at least initially - think of cheating in terms of physical contact, anything from kissing to sex. But that’s certainly not the only way a person can cheat, especially in today’s digitally connected world.
Today, not only do smartphones and computers make life easier in many ways, but they also make cheating much, much easier. Sexting, for instance, has become very common.
One question you need to ask yourself if you’re wondering why sexting is considered cheating is, “Does it feel like cheating?”
It certainly can feel like it when your partner is doing it.
Sharing pictures of body parts or images of yourself in sexual situations with other people crosses the line of a healthy relationship boundary and is a betrayal of your partner.
Not all cheating involves sex, but the sexual element of sexting makes it feel like cheating for many people.
A great example of sexting and the problems it can cause can be seen in the life of ex-congressman and former New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. His antics were made public and offer us a picture of what sexting looks like and the significant damage it can do.
The shame and embarrassment caused to Wiener, and all associated with his sexting behavior should be taken as a reminder that nothing is really private when it comes to texting or the internet.
The post below is one I published about this famous sexter. Carlos Danger, aka Mr. Weiner, who has quite the portfolio. After you read it, tell me if you think sexting is cheating or something that we should be okay with.
The biggest problem with cheating isn’t the sex, nor is it the other woman or man. It isn’t even the form in which it occurs - whether it’s flirting, becoming overly close with a coworker, too connected with someone on Facebook, watching porn, getting emotionally connected to someone else, or actually sleeping together.
No, the biggest problem with cheating is the breaking of trust with our partner and going outside the relationship for needs that are supposed to be met inside the relationship.
Some of the smaller actions like,
and even flirting can fall into a cheating grey area.
These actions can seem harmless enough, but if the energy, feelings, and intent behind them go beyond platonic even a little bit for either participant (even if they didn’t in the beginning), it really does qualify as cheating, or at least is micro-cheating.
Typically, micro-cheating is made up of little things each partner knows feels wrong, but defining exactly how they’re wrong can be challenging. And there’s an element of deniability that can make it easy to hide behind because there’s not actual sex occurring.
These things on their own will slowly erode your relationship’s trust over time.
Sexting, on the other hand, goes a step (or two or three) further than micro-cheating.
Don’t underestimate the fallout from sexting. Not only can it affect your current relationship, but it can also affect future relationships as well. Once you’ve cheated through sexting, especially if it becomes public as Wieners did, your ability to be trusted will be in question – forever.
There may also be professional or legal consequences. If explicit content is shared without consent and becomes public, it can have professional repercussions, potentially affecting one's career and livelihood.
Almost everyone texts. Texting in and of itself is neither good nor bad. And texting on it's own is also not cheating – unless it's with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
It becomes cheating, however, when we share something with someone else that should belong only to the person we’ve committed ourselves to. Our bodies, intimate thoughts, and feelings, or certain parts of our lives should only be shared with our partners, unless there’s an agreement in place that says differently.
And for those who are considering it, I can tell you from my many years of experience in counseling couples that open relationships rarely ever work.
Doing these things damages the trust and intimacy with our partner, causing immeasurable pain and hurt. Once this happens, rebuilding things can be a long, difficult road.
In fact, rebuilding broken trust can be really tough to do without the assistance of a professional counselor because effective and productive communication is now incredibly challenging.
So, is sexting cheating? In a word – yes.
Sexting is cheating because it does all of the things described above. It,
If you still aren’t convinced, consider how you’d feel if your partner did the same thing – and be completely honest with yourself. I bet you’d rather they not.
Sorry, ‘Carlos Danger,’ but your sexting is cheating. And if you’re wondering, his wife thought so too, as it was one of the primary reasons she divorced him.
A note of caution to those who want to engage in sexing with their partner: While what’s done by consenting adults in the bounds of a committed relationship should be private, anything transmitted digitally is at risk of being seen by more than just the person for whom it’s intended. So, sexting is best avoided, even when it’s with your partner,
What do you think – is sexting cheating? Please explain your reasoning in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 5, 2014 updated on August 7, 2019, and updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I just found out my husband has been sexting other people as a voyeur in couples sex lives. He found them on craigslist and chat sites. He has been doing this since before our 6 year relationship and the whole time we have been together. He says he has never met up with anyone only watches their videos and exchanges sexting. He has closed all the accounts and says he will not do it anymore but I have a difficult time believing he can stop after so long. He says it’s because he realizes how much it hurts me. I have forgiven him but I often have fear that one day he is going to do it again, like a compulsion. Our sex life is active, he says this is only fantasy.
Im going through the same thing. I found out my husband (married 4yrs together 6) has been on dating sites (mostly POF) sexting and sharing explicit photos. I did find that he met up with one girl for drinks but they both swear thats all it was. He swears hes never been physical with any or met up with anyone else but i have such a hard time believing it. I only found out a couple months ago. Im so terrified to stay with him and so heartbroken and devastated it lasted so long. He says he loves me and only wants me and is afraid to lose me and he seems sincere. hes given up his phone and all social media etc and a part of me wants to save my marriage but im still so scared. I just want you to know you are not alone. I have felt like im the only woman in my situation and feeling like that sucks. Good luck and i hope you find your happiness again!
I am so thrilled by your in depth information about relationships. I love them...
Nana, Thank you. Glad it's helpful. -Kurt
So I just found out my boyfriend of almost four years was texting and calling a friend or someone i thought was a friend but not only were the texts and calls there were pictures exchanged between them the day before my birthday. He says it was to find out stuff about me to find out if i was hiding anything. At that time me and this ow werent speaking at all. He says he didn't do anything with her and that he didnt cheat but i feel like he did. I know he would say i cheated if i sent nude pics to another man be claims im cheating just by saying hi to co-workers. I really do love him but i dont know if this is just as bad as physical sex. I'm mad and hurt.
We are married almost 40 years. I found my wife having an online affair with my BEST Fiend of over 50 years. Some of the texts were overly romantic like dreaming of each other wanting to meet secretly needing strong lovers. Our families are very intertwined my kids are good friends with his kids. I snuck around and have copies of the chats and there is both sexual chats and girlfriend type chats. I confronted her and she admitted to the chats saying that there never was sexual contact only fantasizing. I believe her about that. She said that she did it because I wasn't paying enough attention to her. I have never cheated on her. Now I might not have done anything right but I didn't do anything wrong. We are going to a therapist I feel like he not a she is taking my wife's side and turning me into the bad one. I generally feel bad! I do not want to end the marriage but most probably for the wrong reason. If this was ever made public My wife would be labeled a adulteress slut I can’t have the children or grandchildren go through it. We live in a small town. He would text my wife after having sex with his wife. I know this because I am in contact with his wife who I also have known since grammar school. My biggest fear is that she gives up on him and what happened goes public. I know that I’m not in the worst shape but I AINT GOOD Thanks for letting me vent.
Okay, so two years ago my girlfriend of which I have been in a relationship with for six years, I caught sending explicit pictures, and messages back and forth with an old fling of hers via facebook. A little background on this first, she was the only one with a telephone that had internet at the time, and we had no land based service either. I was using her phone to check my facebook, when I clicked on the internet icon it popped up on a message feed between her and the old fling. Therein were pictures of his genetals and likewise of hers being sent back and forth along with the sexually explicit worded messages. The last message was them talking about meeting up to have sex. I blew my top, and confronted her about it. She tried to deny it, but just backed herself even further into that preverbial corner. Finally she admitted what she did was wrong, but still denies that it is considered cheating. If you wouldn't do it right in front of me, without any repercussions being made out of it, then to me thats a blatant lack of respect for me, and shows you cannot be trusted. Fast forward two years, our son is now three, who was at the time a year old, and I still have alot of trust issues with her. I just can't seem to keep from questioning her cander. I want to be able to trust her and make this work, because in all honesty I can't see spending my life with anyone but her. How do I learn to trust again, with someone who even though they admit what they did was wrong, still refuses to classify their action as cheating? I want more than anything to move on from this but that constant nagging question of; is she lying to me? floating in the back of my mind is making it hard. Somebody, anybody, how do I trust again?
TG, I have seen many relationships recover from infidelity, but it takes a lot of work on both partners parts. Trust is earned, so it's hard to regain it once it's lost. Seeing a professional counselor would give you the tools to help with the process. -Kurt