There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Some people can be pretty loose with their definition of cheating until they’re on the receiving end of it. But if you find out your partner’s been exchanging intimate photos or video’s with someone else, you may suddenly find yourself wanting to know if sexting is cheating.
Most people – at least initially - think of cheating in terms of physical contact, anything from kissing to sex. But that’s certainly not the only way a person can cheat, especially in today’s digitally connected world.
Today, not only do smartphones and computers make life easier in many ways, but they also make cheating much, much easier. Sexting, for instance, has become very common.
One question you need to ask yourself if you’re wondering why sexting is considered cheating is, “Does it feel like cheating?”
It certainly can feel like it when your partner is doing it.
Sharing pictures of body parts or images of yourself in sexual situations with other people crosses the line of a healthy relationship boundary and is a betrayal of your partner.
Not all cheating involves sex, but the sexual element of sexting makes it feel like cheating for many people.
A great example of sexting and the problems it can cause can be seen in the life of ex-congressman and former New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. His antics were made public and offer us a picture of what sexting looks like and the significant damage it can do.
The shame and embarrassment caused to Wiener, and all associated with his sexting behavior should be taken as a reminder that nothing is really private when it comes to texting or the internet.
The post below is one I published about this famous sexter. Carlos Danger, aka Mr. Weiner, who has quite the portfolio. After you read it, tell me if you think sexting is cheating or something that we should be okay with.
The biggest problem with cheating isn’t the sex, nor is it the other woman or man. It isn’t even the form in which it occurs - whether it’s flirting, becoming overly close with a coworker, too connected with someone on Facebook, watching porn, getting emotionally connected to someone else, or actually sleeping together.
No, the biggest problem with cheating is the breaking of trust with our partner and going outside the relationship for needs that are supposed to be met inside the relationship.
Some of the smaller actions like,
and even flirting can fall into a cheating grey area.
These actions can seem harmless enough, but if the energy, feelings, and intent behind them go beyond platonic even a little bit for either participant (even if they didn’t in the beginning), it really does qualify as cheating, or at least is micro-cheating.
Typically, micro-cheating is made up of little things each partner knows feels wrong, but defining exactly how they’re wrong can be challenging. And there’s an element of deniability that can make it easy to hide behind because there’s not actual sex occurring.
These things on their own will slowly erode your relationship’s trust over time.
Sexting, on the other hand, goes a step (or two or three) further than micro-cheating.
Don’t underestimate the fallout from sexting. Not only can it affect your current relationship, but it can also affect future relationships as well. Once you’ve cheated through sexting, especially if it becomes public as Wieners did, your ability to be trusted will be in question – forever.
There may also be professional or legal consequences. If explicit content is shared without consent and becomes public, it can have professional repercussions, potentially affecting one's career and livelihood.
Almost everyone texts. Texting in and of itself is neither good nor bad. And texting on it's own is also not cheating – unless it's with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
It becomes cheating, however, when we share something with someone else that should belong only to the person we’ve committed ourselves to. Our bodies, intimate thoughts, and feelings, or certain parts of our lives should only be shared with our partners, unless there’s an agreement in place that says differently.
And for those who are considering it, I can tell you from my many years of experience in counseling couples that open relationships rarely ever work.
Doing these things damages the trust and intimacy with our partner, causing immeasurable pain and hurt. Once this happens, rebuilding things can be a long, difficult road.
In fact, rebuilding broken trust can be really tough to do without the assistance of a professional counselor because effective and productive communication is now incredibly challenging.
So, is sexting cheating? In a word – yes.
Sexting is cheating because it does all of the things described above. It,
If you still aren’t convinced, consider how you’d feel if your partner did the same thing – and be completely honest with yourself. I bet you’d rather they not.
Sorry, ‘Carlos Danger,’ but your sexting is cheating. And if you’re wondering, his wife thought so too, as it was one of the primary reasons she divorced him.
A note of caution to those who want to engage in sexing with their partner: While what’s done by consenting adults in the bounds of a committed relationship should be private, anything transmitted digitally is at risk of being seen by more than just the person for whom it’s intended. So, sexting is best avoided, even when it’s with your partner,
What do you think – is sexting cheating? Please explain your reasoning in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 5, 2014 updated on August 7, 2019, and updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My b.f. of 3 yrs. Has physically cheated on me, we broke up, tried going our separate ways ,we ended up seeing eachother again, within 5 mon. I figure out he is sexting with a'friend ' I reached out to her to get the truth, she was glad I did. He said I wasn't giving him attention anymore, I bcus I still had not moved in together he felt we weren't together all of a sudden, like a child. It was only for 2 weeks but not the 1st.time. I don't know if I can get over this anymore. I am numb, broken. He is begging me for a last chance, I just feel worn out and foolish to do so. The anxiety of it keeps me awake, I know it's really not my problem, it's his.I've never done anything to him.now for the first time I really want to do everything back hoping I can give him the same pain he has given me, but I know that won't solve anything.
Bree, You're right - it is his problem and revenge won't help. You will need to decide if this behavior is acceptable or not for you, as what you allow will continue - remember, change requires action, not just saying 'sorry'. I have seen many couples over come infidelity, but it's very difficult. -Kurt
Thank you for your reply. I feel numb. He is trying, but I have that continuous voice in my head telling me he is being sweet and loving and caring now bcus he hiding something, everytime his phone goes off I feel sick. Now he will hand me his phone. I hate feeling like this. I really just want to get over it. I think it hit my own self worth. ,I explained that to him, he apologized but I am done with sorrys. I want him to make better choices. I know he is bipolar, I am patient with that, He can never give me an answer why he does this. He has done it once before a long time ago. I left him.
Hi there I'm 30 been married to my wife for almost 7 years she's 27 found out about a month ago she's had been sexting and sending pics to another man...write or wrong I didn't really care but i went through her phone and found a lot I didn't want to see she told me she had thoughts of cheating because our sex life wasn't up to par and she doesn't feel that "spark" in the relationship.... Asked her to stop talking to him and sending pics and I trusted she had but I know she's still sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with him im so lost and confused she isn't open 100% anymore and is always hiding her messages and deleting them and constantly on her phone with him at least 5 days a week when I'm gone at work and while I'm sleeping....no clue how to handle this situation
Chad, You can't make her change her behavior, but she does have to take responsibility for it. You do have control over how you react to it and what you feel is acceptable. You may want to consider professional counseling to get to the root of the problem and try to regain the trust that's been lost. If she won't go with you, try going on your own. It will still work if it's just you, but in my experience, once one spouse goes, the other wants to as well. -Kurt
I Have considered counseling for myself I dont know how to react honestly because I never saw this coming she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong and says she wouldn't care if I was doing it..I couldnt bring myself to be that way with another woman I think we have different views on marriage. Just makes no sense to me how she thinks talking about sex with another man and being so open with him instead of me is OK...she's lying and deleting messages so she doesnt "hurt" my feelings....I don't have feeling to hurt at this point...should I feel wrong for checking up on her messaging and should I confront him
My heart goes out to all of you I recently found out my husband was lying flirting and cheating he says he loves me and it doesn't mean anything he will stop after the shock after crying and disbelief I suggested counselling we start tomorrow but I know I'm my heart nothing he will say will make me trust him again so at 58 years old I will have to start again but I have seen warning signs and confronted him with these over the years asking is there something wrong do we need to talk but he always said he was tired always an excuse but he loves me so many words Both man or woman are responsible for their actions there is no excuse we all no right from wrong I will be leaving him although for family it would be easier to stay but I know I deserve better and I hope all of you know that you deserve better too love is a word that should be honoured Great blog so glad I found you thanks Kurt !
Dee, Good for you for going to counseling and giving it a chance. Thank you for the kind words. -Kurt
Its been 6 months since I caught my my wife sexting another guy apart from the initial shock at the messages and photos they had exchanged (totally out of character for her to be honest).I was still am totally devastated by the whole thing even though they never met in person had no sexual contact the feeling of betrayal dishonesty they may as well have gone at it like rabbits it wouldn't make it any harder to come to terms with we been married for 19 years and I am still very much in love with her so we're working things through it is not easy not for me and not for her either as she has seen how badly it's affected me I lost my business because I just couldn't cope with everyday things so if your texting someone you shouldn't THINK ABOUT IT
I'm the cheater spouse and can honestly say that it's true what they say u don't know what you have until it's gone or going as I have found out and now am watching my husband living in a nightmare 24/7 and am the one too have caused this so I can advise anyone who may be contemplating going on these chat sites just don't because all you have too do is look at ur partner as he is the one who is loving and cherishing you if you can't see this then talk too them and if they can't then please just walk as you will not find what you am looking for only pain and suffering for the both of you
My wife has been sexting another guy, he was my friend, the sense of betrayal is heartbreaking, she tries to make out that it was my fault, or that he led her on, the truth was that she was to blame because she txtd him back. We have grandchildren, and I thought that we were happy, but she needed some excitement in her life. I don't think she understands the damage she has caused. Maybe one day I will get over it, but like you, I find it hard to trust her.