There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Some people can be pretty loose with their definition of cheating until they’re on the receiving end of it. But if you find out your partner’s been exchanging intimate photos or video’s with someone else, you may suddenly find yourself wanting to know if sexting is cheating.
Most people – at least initially - think of cheating in terms of physical contact, anything from kissing to sex. But that’s certainly not the only way a person can cheat, especially in today’s digitally connected world.
Today, not only do smartphones and computers make life easier in many ways, but they also make cheating much, much easier. Sexting, for instance, has become very common.
One question you need to ask yourself if you’re wondering why sexting is considered cheating is, “Does it feel like cheating?”
It certainly can feel like it when your partner is doing it.
Sharing pictures of body parts or images of yourself in sexual situations with other people crosses the line of a healthy relationship boundary and is a betrayal of your partner.
Not all cheating involves sex, but the sexual element of sexting makes it feel like cheating for many people.
A great example of sexting and the problems it can cause can be seen in the life of ex-congressman and former New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. His antics were made public and offer us a picture of what sexting looks like and the significant damage it can do.
The shame and embarrassment caused to Wiener, and all associated with his sexting behavior should be taken as a reminder that nothing is really private when it comes to texting or the internet.
The post below is one I published about this famous sexter. Carlos Danger, aka Mr. Weiner, who has quite the portfolio. After you read it, tell me if you think sexting is cheating or something that we should be okay with.
The biggest problem with cheating isn’t the sex, nor is it the other woman or man. It isn’t even the form in which it occurs - whether it’s flirting, becoming overly close with a coworker, too connected with someone on Facebook, watching porn, getting emotionally connected to someone else, or actually sleeping together.
No, the biggest problem with cheating is the breaking of trust with our partner and going outside the relationship for needs that are supposed to be met inside the relationship.
Some of the smaller actions like,
and even flirting can fall into a cheating grey area.
These actions can seem harmless enough, but if the energy, feelings, and intent behind them go beyond platonic even a little bit for either participant (even if they didn’t in the beginning), it really does qualify as cheating, or at least is micro-cheating.
Typically, micro-cheating is made up of little things each partner knows feels wrong, but defining exactly how they’re wrong can be challenging. And there’s an element of deniability that can make it easy to hide behind because there’s not actual sex occurring.
These things on their own will slowly erode your relationship’s trust over time.
Sexting, on the other hand, goes a step (or two or three) further than micro-cheating.
Don’t underestimate the fallout from sexting. Not only can it affect your current relationship, but it can also affect future relationships as well. Once you’ve cheated through sexting, especially if it becomes public as Wieners did, your ability to be trusted will be in question – forever.
There may also be professional or legal consequences. If explicit content is shared without consent and becomes public, it can have professional repercussions, potentially affecting one's career and livelihood.
Almost everyone texts. Texting in and of itself is neither good nor bad. And texting on it's own is also not cheating – unless it's with the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
It becomes cheating, however, when we share something with someone else that should belong only to the person we’ve committed ourselves to. Our bodies, intimate thoughts, and feelings, or certain parts of our lives should only be shared with our partners, unless there’s an agreement in place that says differently.
And for those who are considering it, I can tell you from my many years of experience in counseling couples that open relationships rarely ever work.
Doing these things damages the trust and intimacy with our partner, causing immeasurable pain and hurt. Once this happens, rebuilding things can be a long, difficult road.
In fact, rebuilding broken trust can be really tough to do without the assistance of a professional counselor because effective and productive communication is now incredibly challenging.
So, is sexting cheating? In a word – yes.
Sexting is cheating because it does all of the things described above. It,
If you still aren’t convinced, consider how you’d feel if your partner did the same thing – and be completely honest with yourself. I bet you’d rather they not.
Sorry, ‘Carlos Danger,’ but your sexting is cheating. And if you’re wondering, his wife thought so too, as it was one of the primary reasons she divorced him.
A note of caution to those who want to engage in sexing with their partner: While what’s done by consenting adults in the bounds of a committed relationship should be private, anything transmitted digitally is at risk of being seen by more than just the person for whom it’s intended. So, sexting is best avoided, even when it’s with your partner,
What do you think – is sexting cheating? Please explain your reasoning in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 5, 2014 updated on August 7, 2019, and updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Dude this whole blog is biased to me in a sense that this seems only like an issue because the "open society" shames people for doing it almost as they denonized marijuana because in general drugs are bad yes but some of these things people use wether sexting or weed is honestly harmless in the grand scheme. how much you actually care is a whole other story... like it or not disrespect in a relationship isnt just something you dont like but something that genuinely is disloyal. you wanna make 58 years mean nothing cuz you dont like he sent pics go ahead not smart at all to me though
hi, It's obvious im out of place here but im really having a hard time understanding how sending anonymous faceless pics to someone that lives in another country or state and sending pics makes all the work into your relationship go out the window. UNLESS you have other relationship problems and that person is looking for something they arent getting at home i can testify that I love my wife and this and porn are both not cheating and on equal grounds to me.
It would be cheating if you are hiding. Some couples watch porn together. If you are open and honest and both parties agree then there is no wrong, but when there is a face and name and you know the person. Have stood in front of the person you are texting and hide it, when it causes hurt and feelings of betrayal it is. It all depends on your individual relationship.
It went on for 2 years.
I found out my husband was texting 2 different women , one I had just met and the other a good friend ( or so I thought) he only told me because he was ratted out about it. Now 3 months later he tells me (actually today), he's not in love with me anymore , but loves me, then in the next breath wants to try marriage counseling if I set it up, so I did we go on Thursday, I don't know what I am expected to do, I love him. I was totally blind sided by this. I should add that he has an alcohol and drug problem. Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Jamie, It's good that you are both willing to go to counseling. A professional can help your husband address his drug and alcohol problem. All relationships go through periods of feeling more in love than at other times, so don't give up hope. I've seen many couples fall in love again and they're stronger for it. -Kurt
Hi Jamie I know exactly how you feel so firstly let me say none of this is your fault and it is totally your choice I would advise to go to councilling even if it's just for yourself your partner really needs to know what he wants depending on what drug addiction he has could influence his emotions for example if he is on a rough come down and agitated he will probably be more destructive with his dessision making its a very difficult situation as the alcohol and drugs will obviously affect his ability to make clear decisions if he will go to councillors other you then great the professionals will know how to tackle it I wish you the best of luck stay strong
Brett
Yes, to fall in love again would be great. My husband of 8 years is out of control with his sexting. He has moved out May 21, 2016. He is in denial. He doesn't want a divorce and professes undying love for me. I shared this article with him because he believes sexting is not cheating. We are in a band together and the gigs keep coming but I want to bow out of future gigs because I hurt. I'm heartbroken. It is comforting to know I'm not alone yet it is sad how the internet has made it easier for infidelities.